Jacob

You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.
You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.
Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.
You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.
You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to
roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a
manual transmission
DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.
Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering
wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.
A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom
paint scheme.
Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire /
wheel from underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel
well going in from the side.
The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under
warranty, and you've only had it 6 months...
Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1".
Your paint job is from the WRONG end of the color spectrum.
You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to
stick out past the fender.
You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns
are driving them.
You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size
when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.
Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a "SPYDER" emblem on the rear...
Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the
better the handling."
You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can
break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.
You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket
ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out
the rear seat for weight savings.
Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light...
The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long
before the actual gauges are hooked up.
You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks
are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds!
You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.
You install clear corner and brake lights.
You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.
You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the
first speed bump you went over.
You painted the UNDERBODY of your car to match
If your rear spoiler is taller then you are.
if you can fit fist your exhaust tip
You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE!
If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you've done to
your engine yet.
Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you
went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings.
EVERY car in your class has a turbo pushing double digits worth of
boost.
You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro,
Firebird, or Mustang
You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a
turbocharger system.
You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same
performance league as the Chevy Corvette.
The automatic version of your car runs 2 seconds slower in the
1/4mile.
If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your
car does.
You think the Del Sol is a sports car...
A torque converter does NOTHING for your car.
You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance
If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque
If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you
more than 5 HP.
If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog /
driving lights.
If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just
installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of
your E/T.
Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive (the first
sign of mental retardation, wearing your clothes backwards... BE).
You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that
makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai...
If you removed your side view mirrors and put them at the TOP of the
door / window frame.
If you think the Fugees are 'speed' music.
MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast.
Your four cylinder has a dual exhaust system installed.
Your four cylinder has four exhaust pipes ("Hey, one for each
cylinder!")
The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in
other people's eyes.
If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a
plow effect.
If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight
blackouts / tape.
If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are
impressive for a ‘mildly' modified engine.
If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point
out if asked where those parts are installed.
You think pushrods are a bad thing…
Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.
Every Honda you EVER owned, all the way back to your 1978 Accord was
either a V-Tec or a TYPE-R.
You took your rear seat out and gutted your interior for weight
savings but you installed 400 pounds of electronics, neon, DVD, Sony,
etc.
If you gutted the interior to save weight on a car that you will never
take to the track…
You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that everytime
you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.
You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low
10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche.
If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever
running it at the track or getting a dyno reading.
You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.
If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand in hand
If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a
1" to 6" exhaust adapter...
If you've ever contemplated adding "TYPE-R" stickers to your Sonata…
If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by
cutting them yourself ...
If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club...
You put Kanji on your Ford ZX2, Ford Probe, or Mercury Cougar ...
You own a "TYPE-R" Hyundai or Mazda.
You couldn't afford headlight masking, so you just painted them with
flat black Krylon and it's peeling. Badly.
You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.
You own a V-TEC Hyundai or Mazda (especially a V-TEC rotary engined
Mazda RX-7)
You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment
You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in
performance to V8s.
If it takes you 8000rpm to reach 30mph from a dead stop at WOT.
You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool
You spend $500 for a giant hand welded tube for a muffler with the
weld marks extremely visible
If you paint your drum brakes to simulate Hi-po calipers
If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators
You have a front wing.
If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock
14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers
If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™
If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual
exhaust is cool
If you think colored head lights work better
Clear tail lights and turn signals. They're colored for a REASON!
If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it
You drive a Ford Escort station wagon with Kanji, wide tires, and Limp
Bizkit stickers on the rear hatch
You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.
You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.
You claim you lost because you missed a shift... and your car is an
automatic.
You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..
Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after
they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.
after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to
break the wheels loose even around a corner.
Tell everyone about how you lost the cop because of your "driving
skills".
you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned
around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with "yew know
wha I'm sayin? Relate."
Your idea of aiming a handgun is raising your arm over your head,
pointing the gun away from you, and then just letting your wrist fall
to the side to where the gun is almost sideways ...
drive around in a $20,000 import with $10,000 in mods.. and still live
with your parents.
You can relate to every line of the song "Pretty Fly For A White Guy"
by the Offspring
you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small,
tight and relatively easy to get into."


… And the Number One reason you might be a ricer if... (drum
roll)....you are a skinny, backwards hat wearing, dog chain wallet, 2
ft wide pants leg, Limp Bizkit looking *** with a badly applied
peroxide hair color treatment!