Damn, chuck norris!
12-20-2005, 11:41 AM
#1
Don't think me unkind...
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Damn, chuck norris!
1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a
crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck
giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who
have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f***ing."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who s***,
and Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris'
Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it
back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked
Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's
disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and
Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only
time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive
erection. There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was
the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put
up with lactose's s***.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
32. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
33. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
34. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
35. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
36. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
37. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
38. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
39. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
40. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
41. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
42. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
43. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
44. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
45. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
46. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
47. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
48. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
49. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the out of little kids.
50. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a
crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck
giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who
have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f***ing."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who s***,
and Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris'
Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it
back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked
Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's
disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and
Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only
time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive
erection. There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was
the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put
up with lactose's s***.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
32. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
33. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
34. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
35. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
36. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
37. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
38. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
39. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
40. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
41. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
42. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
43. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
44. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
45. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
46. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
47. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
48. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
49. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the out of little kids.
50. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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