NoRiceInside

any fans? i cant get enough of this stuff. hilarious!

RFF

I made a post about red vs blue about a month ago. Great Struff.

NoRiceInside

i had episodes 1-26 and loved them. then my friend gave me 27-35 and i kinda lost touch. then recently i caught up with their stuff so my collection is 1-35 then 52-71. it sucks cuz that gap got me so lost. lol.

i love the little red and blue fights the guys run into. like the one at battle creek. mocking people online. ah you rocket ! gg man gg. lol i love that crap. kill the reds kill the reds kill the reds.

my name is michael j caboose, and I HATE BABIES!!!!!!!!

RFF

"Church, women are like Voltron; the more you hook up, the better it gets."

"What do you want from me Caboose? It's an entire planet made of ice, it's really, *******, cold."

Griff: What the ****?
Donut: What?!
Simmons: What is that thing?
Donut: What thing?!
Griff: There's somthing on your head..
Donut: What? Is it a spider? Get it off!
Simmons: No its not a spider..its like a blue thing...
Donut: What? Like a blue spider? Get it off!
Griff: Its not a spider, calm down, its some kind of buzzing pulsing thing..
Donut: That doesnt sound much better than a spider
Simmons: Does it hurt?
Donut: No.
Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.
Griff: Good idea, go for it.
Simmons: Me? By we I meant you...*******.
Donut: Well somebody needs to get it off, look, it could be dangerous. BOOM
Simmons and Griff: SON OF A *****!

church: you guys arn't kidding... the other day when i was taking a bath... one of these things rolls up, drills a hole in my right butt cheek and starts taking pictures... thats not to cool!

"What's a Pacifist?"
"Isn't that something babies suck on?"
"No, That's a "

"You shot Church, you team-killing ****-tard!"

"Even if we were to pull out today and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-*******-doo."

Simmons: Hey
Griff: Yeah?
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Griff: Thats one of lifes great mysteries isnt it? I mean, why are we here? Are we the product of some...cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a god, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I dont know man, but it keeps me up at night...
Simmons: What?! I mean why are we out HERE, in this canyon?
Griff: Oh, uhhhh...Yeah..
Simmons: What was all that stuff about god?
Griff: Uhhhh...Hm? Nothing!
Simmons: You want to talk about it?
Griff: No!
Simmons: You sure?
Griff: Yes!


Simmons: So, do you ever wonder why we're here?
Griff: No! I never EVER wonder why we're here.

Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: GOD damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question
Tucker: Hey you got that ****** rifle I can't see ****. Don't ***** at me because I'm not gonna sit up here and play with my **** all day
Church: Okay, okay look. They're just standing there and talking, okay. That's all their doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me 5 minutes ago. So 5 minutes from now when you ask me "What are they doing" my answers gonna be "they're still talkin, and they're still just standin there"


Tucker: What are they talking about
Church: You know what; I ******* hate you

Tucker: Unless cover fire involves building a huge bulletproof wall between me and there, I think you're going to have to come up with a new plan.

"What kinda animal has tusks?"
"A walrus."
"What'd I tell you about making up animals?"

Tex: As far as Im concerned, Im square with you.
Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment, how the hell are you square with ME?
Tex: Because I didnt kill YOU back at sidewinder.
Church: You know, I dont really see how not killing sombody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
Tex: Well...If you dont appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
Church: No you cant, Im already dead *****, I guess the jokes on you!

"First God makes hangovers, then half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Doctors actually fix people, medics just make them feel better while they die."

Sarge: One guess, why I gathered ya here, today.
Griff: Is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: Thats exactly it private, the war's over, we won, turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is IN CHARGE OF CONFETI!!
Griff: Im no stranger to sarcasm Sir.
Sarge: God damn it private, shut yer mouth or Ill have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!.
Simmons: Oh I'd do it too.
Sarge: I know you would Simmons, Good man.

**tank shoots for the first time**
Everybody In the General Vicinity one after the other: SON OF A *****!

"Oh my god. That jeep has a REALLY big gun"

"Water? We ran out of water like three months ago."
"No water? So what do you drink?"
"Oh, you know. Ketchup, soy sauce, gravy."

"this is the m12-lrv. i like to call it the warthog"
"why warthog, sir?"
"because m12-lrv is too hard to say in conversation, son."
"no…why warthog? I mean, it doesnt really look like a pig."
"say that again"
"i think i looks mor like a puma"
"what im damn-hell is a puma?"
"uhh… you mean like the shoe company?"
"no… like a puma. its a big cat, like a lion"
"you're makin that up."
"i'm tellin you. its a real animal."
"simmons, i want you to poison griffs next meal."
"yes sir."
"see these teo toe hoofs, the look like tusks. now what kind of animal has tusks?"
"a walrus."
"didn't i just tell you to stop makin up animals."

"so unless anyone has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, were gonna stick with the warthog. how about it griff?"
"no sir, no more suggestions."
"are you sure? how bout big foot?"
"thats ok."
"unicorn?"
"no, really. im cool."
"sasquatch?"
"lepercahun"
"hey, he doesnt need any help, man."
"phoenix"
"ahh crap"
"hey simmions, whats the name of theat mexican lizard? eats all the goats."
"uhh… that would be the chupacarba, sir."
"hey griff… chup-a-thingy. how about that? i like it. got a ring to it."


this is off the dvd, its a outtake from sarge but its ****** hilarious

(talking about master cheif)"Oh he exists alright, I met him during training. It was the summer i spent at Fort Lachewka. We were preparing to lead an invasion against the forces of the Pluteriens. I seen him from across the way and could tell he was a commanding figure, oh he stood 6-7ft tall, he had dark brown skin and chocolatey flowing hair, it was the kinda thing that would make a man giggle to himself in the night. I can't say everything i learned from him, but i can tell you this, I'm glad i learned it. Even if it does give me nightmares...
"

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank..."
"Oh man, you can ***** about anything. What chicks are we gonna pick up? Besides, who can pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"
"What does it look like, anyway?"
"I dunno, like some kind of big cat."
"What, you mean like a Puma?"
"Yeah, yeah, there you go man."

"Caboose? I don't even think he knows how to opperate a switch."

grif:"the chick in the black armors back!"
doughnut: "what chick? the chick that stuck that grenade to my head?"
simmons:"thats the one"
doughnut:"the same chick that's the sole reason im stuck in this light red armor"
grif" doughnut i under stand your need to safegaurd your masculinity, but really man its a hole lot faster to say pink"
doughnut:"oooh oh i've been waiting for this!.....
HEY *****! REMEMBER ME!? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! *throws grenade*"
everybody watches the grenade fly through the air....
tucker:"man that girl has a really good arm"
tex:"ah CRAP"
doughnut:" HELL YAH! THREE POINTS YOU DIRTY !" (echo's)

"This one has a really big pinchy thing."
"THAT'S RIGHT. FEAR THE CLAW, *****."

"I'm a PACIFIST."
"...You're a thing that babies suck on."
"No, dude, you're thinking of a ."
"Tucker... I think he means a PACIFIER."
"Oh... Right. Man, I was... TOTALLY thinking about something else."

Caboose "I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said: "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"
Church:"Hey rookie. Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"
Tucker: "No I think he called her a ****"

"Its not pink, its light red"
"They already have a name for lightish red. It's called pink."

"grif:how the hell did you get out of there!? i tied you up and poured concrete over the grave.... just in case you turned into a zombie!
sarge: yes, but you made one crucal mistake.... you left me my spoon
grif:NO!
sarge: thats right! i ate my way out, the soft dirt was like a delicious butter scotch browny to me"

Caboose-"NOOOO SHIELA!!!"
Tucker- "What? Shiela nooo! Wait whos Shiela??"
Caboose- "She was the lady in the tank....she was my friend...."
Tucker- "Ooohooo...... Dude I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!!"

Sarge "Quite obviously the blue team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on lopez and now he has to do there evil blue bidding"
Griff "Or since he is a robot they probably just reprogrammed him"
Donut "Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost and now he possessing lopez's body, that could also explain why sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him to, and the jeep going nuts, well its probably a weird set of coincedences while the guy learned how to use lopez's body"
*silence*
Simmons "I think I like the ray beam idea better"
Griff "Yea rookie your idea sounds a little dumb"

Did you just spit inside your own helmet sir..?
Yes...
Permission to speak freely sir...
Go Ahead....
Thats really ******* gross Sir


Caboose:"i should of known, girls never like me."
Tucker:"Caboose, i dont think anyone likes you"
Caboose:"i like me..."

"AHA! I KNEW IT! only a chick can give you a head ache this big"
caboose:a i... whats the i stand for?
church:intelligence..
caboose:whats the ...
church:artificial...
cabooseooooh, whats the i again?

church:"so how are you doing caboose? are you following any of this what so ever?"
caboose:"I think so... that guy tex is really a robot, and ur his boyfriend, so that makes you... a gay robot!"
church:"ya, thats right... im a gay robot"

kaboose:"Distraction? that sound alot like decoy"

Simmons: No, I don't think that getting new rims for the jeep is a good idea.
Griff: OH, COME ON! If we all kick in we could get some spinners, some kick *** subs - hydrolics!

Tucker: All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth." Haha. Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet *** pimped out ride, *****!

Sarge: Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You've touched everything. That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Donut: I feel dizzy, Sarge.
Sarge: Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood. You just need some orange juice.

Tucker: But you guys think I'm your enemy and I'm not preparing to do anything...except get l-a-i-d.
(blank stares)
Tucker: ...laid.
Griff: Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was ******* weak.

I forget who: what do you see?
caboose: I see walls, and ceilings, no! just one ceiling

caboose:time is not made out of lines! it is made out of circles, that is why clocks are round

I forget who (not the same guy): Ive got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees

Caboose: I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!

Caboose (again): Your toast has been burnt, and no amount of scraping will remove the black stuff!

Caboose (he owns): We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

Caboose: "Look! A sleeping person!"
Sarge: "He's not sleepin' son, he's dead."
Caboose: "Oh, good because at first I thought it was me, because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, than it cannot be me. That would be silly."

(later...)

Caboose: "Look! More sleeping people. It must be nap time! But... it isn't nap time yet. I think these people are just making up times!"

(Also)
Caboose's Mental Image of Sarge: "Argh, I be havin' a southern accent, ya'll."
(and): "I have termites in me legs!"

Caboose: Shiela! Come back to me! I make you Haaappy!

Sarge: "Get over here! Gimme a boost!

Caboose: "Ok... You are a good person, and people say nice things about you."

Sarge: "Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window."

Caboose: "That window is very high, I don't think you are tall enough."

Sarge: "I know, I need you to help me look through it."

Caboose: "I do not think I am tall enough either, also, My head is round, that window is square."

Sarge: "Come Here, you." *boosts Caboose up to see through window* "What do you see?"

Caboose: "I see, a room."

Sarge: "And... what's in it?"

Caboose: "There are some walls and some ceilings. WAIT! Just one ceiling...

"Well, somebody owes me the last five minutes of my life back"

Church: There's no "I" in team Grif.
Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamned team! The team sucks!

Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is... um... it's a little... um... Grif, uh, you want to help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it.
[Accusatory]
Simmons: Pink.


Sarge: What's making all that noise up there?
Multiplayer Blue Team: [shouts] Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it...

Caboose: This is fun! Ok, ok, your turn! Truth or dare?
Donut: Hmm. Truth!
Caboose: Ok... tell me... all of the Red's secret plans!
Donut: Aww! You tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Ok, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is...
[Church's Ghost runs in and takes control of Donut's Body]
Church: Caboose! Its me, Church! I possesed this guy so we can - hey. This pink armor is kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?
[Sad]
Caboose: Oh... nothing.

Caboose: "You could walk on your hands. Then you could use your feet for..High Fives, and...Eating Sandwiches..you know, all the important stuff"

Caboose: I just... need to... get angry... and say... mean things... like... uh, your... brain... is... a... mountain... of... hatred.
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif, but here it is.



Grif: So now we're forced to work together? How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic! Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other!
Donut: No, ironic would be, if instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Suck it blue!
=No... uhh... you suck it blue?
+Dude, you really need to work on your comebacks

08-18-2005, 12:10 AM
Doc: "Sorry, but it seems you aren't very popular around here. And if I want to make any progress, I can't be directly associated with you."
Donut: "Burn dude! Burn! You got burned dude! Dude, you got burned! Bur......"
Simmons "Shut the f^&* up."
Donut: "Sorry"

Simmons: Sarge have you seen anything weird?
Sarge: Yes, many years ago when a man claiming to be my uncle...
Simmons: uhh.. Sarge i meant in the last 10 seconds and what was that about your uncle?
Sarge: he wasnt my uncle dammit, now get your *** back in the jeep!

Caboose: thats not an X THATs a plus sign

Caboose: "I...dont...understand.... Tucker are you cold? Do you want something to eat? Tuucker do want a hot dog in a blankie?"
Tucker: Wai-what? Caboose- no im not cold and dammit if you put mustard inbetween my sheets again im going to ****!ng kill you!"

Caboose: "I can't see them, they can't see me!"
Tucker: "Thats becouse your facing the rock"
Caboose: "Ohh!"
Tucker: "Real smooth, dip****"

Church #1: I went back and tried to explain everything and, oddly enough, Caboose was the only one who understood. By the time I was done asking questions, the bomb went off and I was sent back in time.
Church #2: Yeah, and then I went back and tried to shoot Wyoming before he shot Tucker. So I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot ME, the bomb went off and I was sent back in time.
Church #3: When I went back, I just decided to kill everything.
Church #4: Why would you do that?
Church #3: I dunno. Seemed like fun. Guess I kinda went crazy for a bit.

rch: Shisno is something bad, isn't it.
Gary: Let me put it this way. What is the smelliest animal on your planet?
Church: A skunk. Are you trying to say shisno means skunk?
Gary: Nono. This animal, does it defecate?
Church: ...yes...
Gary: And does its defecation, in turn, produce it's own excrement?
Church: Eww no! That's disgusting!!!!!
Gary:
...
...
...
Then there is no English equivalent for the word shisno.

O'malley: "Lopez! Can't these things move any faster?"
Lopez: "This is their maximum velocity."
O'malley: "I'm very dissappointed in you, this isn't what I asked for."
Lopez: "You said you wanted a DAY of victory. At this rate, they will win in exactly twenty four hours."
Robot Army Soldier: "chaaaaarrrrrggggeee."

Simmons + Grif (Simmons slightly faster): "Shotgun."
Grif: "****"
Donut: "Shotgun's lap!"
Simmons: "****"

Donut: "Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?"
Sarge: "Nobody's gonna fall for that twice Donut."

Grif: Sure, women act like they're so tough, but the first time they need a couch moved, who do they call?
-Tex looks at him-
Grif: Pleasedontkillme!

O'Malley: They shall taste oblivion! Which tastes like Red Bull! Which is disgusting!

"I think blarg means apple, apple must mean the name of his cat? your cat is stuck in the tree. i will call the fire brigade. Tucker get a ladder."

I have the power of the beard. i can find lunches anywheree on the map!

Church :Make sure you change your underwear atleast once a day; And that goes double for you Tucker
Tucker : Wait why me?!? Im the cleanest guy here.
Church : No, It goes double for you because your now in charge of changing Caboose as well.
Tucker : I hate you.
Blarg : BLARG!!!
Bomb : But he doesnt wear any pants.
Tucker : Yeah we've noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might have to change.
Bomb : What!?! We're use-to being naked. Free Ballin. Cmon, Commmaando.
Tucker : Let me just put it this way. I felt less threatened when Tex was just staring at his sword.
Tex : Oh; Excus-m ah yea; I was just admiring his... Alien... muscle... structure.
Tucker : Yea, One particular part of his muscle structure.
Tex : Well thats just a matter of peni- I mean ah... opinion.
Church : Smooth. -_-
Caboose: You told me it was another arm.
Blarg: BLARG!!!
Bomb: Hey Caboose; High Five!
Caboose: I dont want to do that anymore...

"Where were you planning on shooting it from? The ******* moon?!"

Tucker: Church?!?!?......Chuuuurrrrrch?!?!?!.....Hey Church!!!!

Church: Right behind you dumbass

Tucker: Oh, Hey Church, do you have a Knife?

Church: No, thats a weapon dude, Ask Tex

Tucker: She said she had somethin to take care of.....Girl stuff i think

Church: Huh, Like what?

Tucker: I dont know, i stopped asking questions 'bout Girl stuff....

Church: What are you 2 guys doin?

Tucker: We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English

Church: How are ya gonna do that?

Tucker: People Learn English all the time, It Arnt that Hard....

Church: Maybe you should try learning his Language

Tucker: **** that....We got here 1st and that makes this a Coloney.....Those are the Rules dude....Earth Coloney, Earth Language

Church: Tucker, theres thousands of Languages Spoken on Earth....

Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ***....and thats the one we're teaching...English 101, Remiedial Kick ***

Church: Alright.....there is no way this is gonna work....

Tucker: Yeah it is...we got Visual Aids and everything....

Church: Where in the hell did you get those???

Tucker: We made em....Turns out Cabooses Gun diddnt have any Bullets....it was loaded with Crayons....I just need to cut one of these things.....Do you have a Pocket Knife?

Church: Hey, if you need to cut something, why dont you just use that big Sword of yours???

Tucker: Oh Right......Duh....

*Pulls out Sword*

The Great Destroyer: Blarrrrgg.....

*See's tucker holding Sword*

The Great Destoryer: BLAAAAARRRRGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Smashes Tucker in the Back knockin him down*

Tucker: OW!!! WHAT THE ****!!! *smack* Ow....

Church: Man Tucker....That thing either really hates that Sword....Or it really hates you

Tucker: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH....GET THIS ****** THING OFF ME!!!!!!

Church: Heheh...Wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to valuate how these things fight.....Now Hold still......Its for Science

Tucker: Not the Face...*Smack* NOT THE FACE!!!! *Smack*

The red soldier: Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! (everyone stops shooting and looks at him) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
A red soldier: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
The red flag bearer: I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!
* The poor red dude is mobbed by four blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down *
The red flag bearer: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!

Caboose: I can hear you church, can you hear me?
Church: Caboose, is that you?
Caboose: I can hear you church, can you hear me?
Church: Caboose, is that you?
Caboose: I can hear you church, can you hear me?
Donut: Should we tell him its a recording?
Sarge: No! I want to see how long this lasts.


Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team's flag has just been stolen]
Church: Me and Tucker will go through the teleporter, and cut him off at the pass! Tucker, you ready?
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that nobody could drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: And? So? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered in black stuff.
Church: So this is what this is all about - you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a plasma grenade exploded on Donut's head]
Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "**** I Already Know'?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
Tucker: What? No way!
Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Tucker: Holy ****! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
[to Caboose:]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: [after discovering that he killed Captain Flowers, he let Donut take the flag, and he got himself killed] No! I'm the team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: You know, I could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time!
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards
Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the ******* moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!
[the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church #2: There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2: Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church: [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2: [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2: Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila: Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2: Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila: Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2: Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila: Affirmative.
Church #2: Alright. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila: Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2: I want the other thing.
Sheila: [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2: Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila: This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2: [left behind] Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila: I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2: [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What?
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Church #2: Oh NO! *I'm* the team-killing ********!
Tucker: [to Caboose:] You shot Church, you team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [*realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church: Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[*brief pause*]
Tucker: I'm talkin' about women.
Church: I know, yes. I got it.
Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church: Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker: What? Then who?
[*he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker: No ******* way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[*The Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb: [*chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[*chuckles again*]
Caboose: Just like chiropractors!
Tucker: This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna ******' die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Church: Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Church: Right, then I teleported *back* to Sidewinder and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
Church: And then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
Church: Why did you do that?
Church: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Church: [to yellow Church] Well, what did you do?
Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it - it didn't work.
Church: So now we all come back here *beforehand* to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
Church: You said beforehand twice.
Church: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was ...
Church: [all together] That won't work.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem ...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things ******* are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer ********.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh, I wanna hear the long version. But, can you tell me in three parts?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge is installing a voice chip into Lopez, who moments before was revealed to be, in fact, a robot]
Simmons: Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up!
[a flash of light from the back of Lopez comes from within, with an electrical noise]
Sarge: Yeaow!
Simmons: Sir! I won't say I told you so, sir!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I can't believe I actually died for this war.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons: OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif: Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif: OK. OK. On three.
Caboose: Here!
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring targets.
Church: [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons: One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: Oh ****, oh ****, oh ****...
Simmons: Two...
Sheila: Target locked.
Simmons: Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons: Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons: Son of a *****!
Grif: Son of a *****!
Church: Son of a *****!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker: [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons: [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sheila the tank is stuck on a rock while the turret is spinning in circles]
Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon.
Grif: Uh... Oh... Yeah...
Simmons: What's all this stuff about God?
Grif: Uh... um... Nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So how are you doing Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so. That guy Tex is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: ...Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can *definitely* pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What are you going to do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: Ha ha ha ha ha, yes! This place will do nicely for an evil lair! It's diabolically designed.
Frank DuFresne: As a student of Feng Shui, I can tell you this house is eighty-eight percent good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floor plan.
O'Malley: Quiet, you fool.
Lopez: I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.
O'Malley: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed. We're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence has scared everyone away, mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Frank DuFresne: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?
O'Malley: Oh, shut up.
Frank DuFresne: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.
Lopez: It could have mold.
O'Malley: Both of you shut up! We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory. It's perfect!
Frank DuFresne: Yeah, but what about the school district?
Lopez: We have no children.
Frank DuFresne: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.
O'Malley: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world, not make prudent investments!
Lopez: It's important to have a fallback plan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hello inferior Red squad!
Church: We would like to talk to you about...
Caboose: [Interrupting] Sneak attack!
Church: Shut up you idiot! We're not here to fight! We're here to negotiate!
Caboose: Yay! Sneak negotiation!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blues have Lopez and have delivered an ultimatum to Sarge and the mostly robotic Simmons]
Sarge: I'm torn between my intense distrust of the blue team and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation!
[beat]
Sarge: No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir! You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif!
Grif: [sobbing] I... I just can't take this, we're all going to *die*!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[about modding a Warthog they've just found on postapocalyptic Earth]
Tucker: All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth'.
[Laughs]
Tucker: Well, that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ***, pimped out ride, *****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [Church has deliberately shot Caboose in the foot] Rest in peace, pinky toe...
O'Malley: YOU SHALL BE AVENGED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
Church: I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
Tucker: No we didn't.
Church: Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
Tucker: Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
Church: I did?
Tucker: You gave me a catalogue with stuff circled in it.
Church: Huh, doesn't ring a bell.
Tucker: You set a budget for us, between 300 and 350.
Church: Oh well, I guess its just one of those things.
Tucker: **** you, I'm keeping it.
Church: Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving... Holy **** blue Santa.
Tucker: Where?
[He Looks and sees nothing. When he looks back for Church he is gone, along with the present]
Tucker: Aww crap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church: [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church: [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge: [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently?jerk!
Grif: We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons: I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne: Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut: Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should take a non-violent approach to resolve this...
O'Malley: [Inside of "Doc'/Frank] I agree! Except, replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extroardinaire"! HAHAHAHAHA!
Donut: [Entering cave in which "Doc' is talking to "himself'] Hey, what's going on in there?
Frank DuFresne: We can't do this! They're going to find out! They'll find out about us, the machines, everything!
Donut: [Further entering the cave] What the? Those voices sound suspicious.
O'Malley: I will rip out their GUTS, and feed on their entrails!
Frank DuFresne: But I'm a vegetarian!
Donut: [Seeing "Doc' without "Doc' seeing him] Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget! But where's the guy he's talkin' to?
Frank DuFresne: Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment... that's rude!
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good...
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and CRAP out their souls!
Donut: That sounds even worse!
O'Malley: They will all taste OBLIVION! Which tastes JUST like Red Bull... which is disgusting!
Donut: [Offended] Whoa!
O'Malley: All will perish! HAHAHAHA!
Donut: All? Wait! That includes me! Oh, man, I gotta go tell the guys!
Frank DuFresne: [Hearing Donut] Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree. Except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Do you guys ever get anything done, or do you just stand around and talk all day?
Grif: We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
Church: Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot I guess. Ahem, all right, stand back. Hrrrrrhhh...! Hnnnnggg...! Gmmmmmm...!
Tucker: Anything?
Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.
Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. Hrrrrrrhh... oh, hey!
Tucker: Found it?
Church: Ah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.
Tucker: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing!
Church: Celsius, Tucker.
Tucker: Come on dude, Celsius sucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude.
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!
Donut: That sounds even worse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes like Red Bull! Which is disgusting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Thanks for the support Grif. Way to be a team player.
Grif: Hey, I've got to think about myself here.
Church: There's no "I" in team Grif.
Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamned team! The team sucks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wyoming: Right, I don't have time to torture you...
Phil: Oh, thank God...
Wyoming: ...so I'm just going to have to kill you.
Phil: Oh, this *sucks*!
[instant fade-to-black, gunshot heard]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[O'Malley infected Frank "Doc" Defresne. O'Malley is atop of the base laughing evilly]
O'Malley: Here I am, you fools!
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: That guy's wicked fast!
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in High School! It was the least direct competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
O'Malley: *You* suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out! The universe will be mine!
[evil laugh]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank is possessed by an evil AI which can't control Frank entirely]
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: Man, that guy is wicked fast!
[Frank's voice]
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
[O'Malley's evil voice]
Frank DuFresne: [shouts] You suck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donut is showing off his uniquely colored armor to his teammates]
Grif: Uh, hey Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is... um... it's a little... um... Grif, uh, you want to help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it.
[Accusatory]
Simmons: Pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donut has just explained that his armor is not pink, but merely "lightish red']
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose has just asked his Blue Army teammates why a simple blue flag is so important to defend - his teammates don't really know, either]
Church: Because it's the flag, man! You know... it's the... its The Flag! It's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
Tucker: Well... it's... it's complicated. The... it's blue, we're blue...
Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge has just tried to communicate with the Spanish-speaking Lopez by speaking very slowly]
Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Reds and Blues negotiate a unique terms of surrender, in which the Blues will send over the Medic, Frank Dufresne, in exchange for Grif, on behalf of the Reds, declaring how much he sucks]
Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.
Grif: [exasperated sigh] I would just like to let everyone know that I suck.
Church: And?
Grif: [with heavy hesitation] And that I'm a girl.
Church: What else?
Grif: [in a hesitant tone] And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the *boys*.
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker and Church of Blue Army are spying on Grif and Simmons of Red Army. Church is using a sniper rifle to watch the Reds]
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God damn, I am getting so sick of answering that question.
Tucker: You have the ******* rifle, I can't see ****. Don't ***** at me, because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my **** all day.
Church: OK, OK, look. They're just standing there and talking. OK? That's all they're doing. That's all they EVER do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."
Tucker: [after a long pause] What are they talking about?
Church: You know what? I ******* hate you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [discussing the futility of civil war] Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. Y'know, fight them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: May I introduce the our new light reconnaissance vehicle! It has four-inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?
Sarge: Because "M12LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but... Why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?
Simmons: You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No. Like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
Sarge: You're makin' that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: [Points at front of the Warthog] Look, see these two tailhooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: [Frank has arrived too late to save Tex's life] First of all, great job on the Tex, man. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.
Frank DuFresne: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.
Tucker: Consci... who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: ...You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a .
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh, yeah. Right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: So I say to the guy, How're you going to get the tank down to the planet? And he goes, I'll just put it on the ship. And I go, if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Seriously, though. Why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
Grif: Mm-hm.
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a Red base here is 'cause they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there is 'cause we have a Red base here.
Grif: Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other
Simmons: No, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-******' doo.
Grif: What's up with that, anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Fighting a bunch of Blue guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [Church has just been shot] Church! It's going to be OK, man!
Church: No... I'm not... I'm not going to make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
Tucker: What is it?
Church: I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
Tucker: Yeah. I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you *****.
Church: OK.
[dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Grif and Donut are hiding behind the Warthog... Sheila the Tank is about to run into the jeep]
Donut: Let's make a break for it!
Grif: Whew! In that case, let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past.
Donut: OK, you count.
Grif: Fine. But don't look at me while I count, because I get nervous.
[Grif turns away from Donut]
Grif: One...
[Donut gets up and runs like hell]
Grif: Two...
[Grif turns and sees that Donut is long gone]
Grif: That son of a *****. He beat me at my own game. Curses!
[Sheila the Tank plows into the Warthog, blowing it up]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[during a Public Service Announcement asking NASA to stop sending Mars rovers to Blood Gulch]
Simmons: At least Grif figured out how to turn them into skateboards.
Grif: [Grif runs past the camera very fast] Whoohoo!
Simmons: Hey! Sarge says you're supposed to wear a helmet!
Grif: [Off camera] I'm gonna build a ramp! Who wants to help?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church has possessed the body of Lopez the Mexican robot, and the Red team is negotiating for Lopez's return]
Sarge: All right, Blues. First off. We want your flag...
Simmons: Wait, wait, wait. Wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.
Sarge: ...to stay right where it is. Keep the flag. But we do want our mechanized droid guy back.
Church: Uh-oh.
Sarge: You may know him as Senor El Roboto.
Tucker: Well, Church? What's it going to be?
Church: No way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.
Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other... mechanical parts.
Church: Uh, he's not here anymore!
Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" And then he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. That's French.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: But I don't want to be dead. I want to be alive. Or a cowboy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church and Tucker are discussing Tex's actions on Planet Sidewinder]
Church: Then she beat Jimmy to death with his own skull.
Tucker: What? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
[cut to Planet Sidewinder. Tex is beating Jimmy with his own skull]
Pvt. Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible!
[grunts and dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [revelling] AI... What's the "A" stand for?
Church: Artificial.
Caboose: Ah. What's the...
Church: [interrupting] Intelligence.
[short pause]
Caboose: What's the "A" again?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fixed everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. If that happens, I just want to let you know I'm sorry. Sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. Sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should have been. Sorry for... well, a lot of stuff...
Church: ...but, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me and you should build a ******* statue in my honor. I'm serious! Something cool! Like me on a horse. No, no, no, wait, a motorcycle!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is showing Donut his energy sword]
Donut: Wow, that's great! I like the glowing part. Ooh, does it make cool noises when you swing it?
Tucker: I don't think so. No, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is, then yes. It goes, "Whoosh whoosh, whoosh, wsh wsh, wsh-ch-ch, chw chw, whsh-chsh, chsh-chsh-chww, whshhh, sh-sh-shing!, fring!, whshhh, whww".
[he swings the sword, and it makes a whooshing sound]
Tucker: See?
Donut: And you found that in a hole?
Tucker: Yeah, dude, I was just walking along, following Tex... not really paying attention, you know. I fell in some hole. And, ah, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's where I found this.
Donut: You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes them sound a little better.
Tucker: Yeah, but, you know, that's not really my style.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: [firing his rifle] Oh, that's right! Suck it, Blue.
Grif: [pops up in front of Simmons] Yeah. Sneak attack!
Simmons: Sit down, you dumbass. I can't see!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: You don't know anything about the aliens who programmed you?
Gary: Correct. Instead, they filled all my memory banks with information about The Great Destroyer and his race.
Church: You mean humans.
Gary: That is not what they call you, but correct.
Church: Why, what you they call us?
Gary: ...Shisno.
Church: That's an insult, isn't it?
Gary: Perhaps this can be best explained in the form of a knock-knock joke. Knock, knock.
Church: Who's there?
Gary: You are.
Church: You are who?
Gary: You are a dirty, dirty shisno. Ha, ha, ha.
Church: All right, what does it mean?
Gary: What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?
Church: Um... a skunk. Wait, so shisno means skunk?
Gary: Not exactly. Does a skunk defecate?
Church: Yes...
Gary: And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?
Church: Eww, no!
Gary: Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

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[the Blue team has agreed to send their Medic over as a hostage]
Church: OK. We're gonna send over our Medic. Now, what do we get?
Simmons: You? You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!
Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [being possessed by Church] Huagahguhgerk!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Hey thanks kiss ***, if I want to take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you
Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned, burned dude, burned.
Simmons: Shut up, your armor's pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt
Church: Huh... I see
[Church point his gun at Caboose and then fires]
Caboose: Owwwww! My Foot!
Church: Well, It looks like Caboose has hurt himself... Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Frank DuFresne: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my *enemies*... and occasionally a strawberry Yoo Hoo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and strawberry yoohoo... I do enjoy the occasional sarsaparilla... Grenadine, straight from the can... Sex On the Beach, and a Pina Colada.
[sings]
Sarge: If you like Pina Coladas / and getting caught in the rain / If you're not into yoga / Grif just has half a brain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and...
Tex: The bomb?
Church: No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.
Tex: Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.
Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.
Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?
Caboose: By the way, he's Church.
Church: Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.
Caboose: He is the mean one.
Church: Thank you, Caboose.
Caboose: See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
Church: ...okay. I was talking to Gary and...
Caboose: Told you so!
Church: Goddammit!
Caboose: Classic Church.
Tucker: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.

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Tucker: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Some slimy-toothed monster scared the crap out of Church! Ha-ha!
Tex: He didn't scare the crap out of him. He scared the *soul* out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap... stupid crap-for-soul!
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now.
Tex: Well... then let's go get this big 'thing' of yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up.
Church: Shut up, Tucker.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up.
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe... bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you've got sisters - bow-chicka - who are twins - bow-wow!
Church: Shut up...
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: [continues to do the guitar riff]
Church: Shut up. Shut up! Shut... up!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How's it going, Tucker? We get any useful information out of the prisoner yet?
Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything. Except a list of crockpot recipes. Would that be "useful'?
Church: Do we *have* a crockpot?
Tucker: No, Caboose had a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a "Mystery Box'.
Church: What was in the "Mystery Box'?
Tucker: One hundred forty jars of mayonnaise.
[sarcastically]
Church: Well, *that's* a good trade.
[not picking up on it]
Tucker: Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen!
Church: How did you... never mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose is "interrogating" Donut]
Caboose: This is fun! Okay, okay, your turn! Truth or dare?
Donut: Hmm... truth!
Caboose: Ok... tell me... all of the Red's secret plans!
Donut: Aww! You tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Ok, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is...
[Church's Ghost runs in and takes control of Donut's body]
Church: Caboose! It's me, Church! I possessed this guy so we can... hey. This pink armor is kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?
[sadly]
Caboose: Oh... nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds...
[Tucker is silent]
Church: ... The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
Tucker: Dammit! I knew there would be a catch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I love blood and violence! I've got a boner for murder!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Sarge introduces the special modifications he has made to the new robots] Check it out. Robot #2, codeword dirtbag.
Grif: [the robot beeps, then hits Grif] Ow! Hey!
Sarge: Heh heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try. Let me try. Codeword dirtbag!
Grif: Ow! OK fine. Two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag!
[the robot beeps, then hits Grif]
Grif: Ah, son of a *****.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: You think they'll show up?
Simmons: Well, my gut says no, but then again, my gut's made of an advanced polymer, and it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. Stupid gut.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [the Red and Blue teams call a truce] So now we're forced to work together? How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic! Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other!
Donut: No, ironic would be, if instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker has just overheard the Red Team leader talking to "Red Command", who is the same person as "Blue Command']
Tucker: What the hell, Vic? How do you know the Red Team? What are you helping them against the Blues? What the **** is going on here?
Blue Command: Ohh. Private Tucker. You're on here too Um... See, I um... you guys are... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.
[Command turns off their radio]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Tucker, what the **** are you babbling about?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: What are you two guys doing?
Tucker: We're gonna teach the alien to speak English.
Church: How are you going to do that?
Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.
Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.
Tucker: **** that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those are the rules, dude: Earth colony, Earth language.
Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth!
Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ***.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I didn't want to mess with the timeline.
Caboose: Time... line?
[sighs]
Caboose: Time isn't made of lines! It is made of circles. That is why clocks are round.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Chicks will do anything for money!
Tex: That's not true!
Tucker: Oh, yeah? I'll give you 10 bucks to tear off Grif's arm!
Tex: [turning quickly to look at Simmons and Grif] Which one's Grif?
[Grif gestures towards Simmons while slowly backing away]
Grif: [whispering] He's Grif.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Hey, you're back! How'd the Humpday thing go?
Simmons: Umm...
Church: Oh, it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
Grif: So you lost.
Church: Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Why don't we try to find O'Malley?
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Caboose is standing on Sarge's shoulders, looking into the Blue Team's base] What do you see?
Caboose: I see... A room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls... And some ceilings. Wait! Just one ceiling.
Sarge: What's makin' all that racket?
Blue Team: Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue Grunt: Yeah, I love reloading! I love to reload!
Red Grunt: [Melee kills the Blue Grunt] Oh! Back of the head!
Blue Grunt: Ooh! Tell my girlfriend that I love her.
Red Grunt: She's my girlfriend now, *****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Grunt: [Runs past the Blue Grunt's camping spot and gets killed] Oh, you ******* camping *****!
Blue Grunt: It's a legitimate strategy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [Donut and Caboose found a Warthog in the future] Look at what I found.
Donut: I found it!
Caboose: Look at what I took credit for finding.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Look, I found something really weird at here Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Vic: Roger that, what did you find?
Frank DuFresne: It's... it's like... uhh... it's like a thing...
Vic: It's like a thing. Okaaay, dude, thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the chief of staff...
Frank DuFresne: Sorry...
Vic: Move to DefCon 1.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a little dazed... it's a big thing... it's purple... it's a big purple thing...
Vic: Use your words, dude.
Frank DuFresne: Look, I don't know, it looks like some kind of alien artifact. Do the aliens have, like, a home base or something here?
Vic: I don't know, dude... why don't I just consult my extraterrestrial travel guide for you. Oh, look! They have a great series of alien bed-and-breakfasts there! Lucky you.
Frank DuFresne: Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Actually, the problem is with Lopez!
Grif: Don't tell me. The ambassador from Spanishland is coming, and without Lopez we don't have anyone to translate.
Simmons: There's no such thing as "Spanishland", you retard...
Grif: Yes, there is. They have those, um, waterslides... and all that salsa!
Simmons: No... they don't.
Grif: Well... I guess you would know.
Simmons: What's that supposed to mean?... FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M DUTCH-IRISH!
Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue Command: Hello Dude, come in, Doctor dude, are you there... paging Dr. Dude to the radio, stat! I need 20 CC's of what the hell's going on down there, dude.
Frank DuFresne: Ugggh, what happened?
Blue Command: Hey, you tell me, dude... one minute we're talkin' about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know you turn into Grumps McGurt... sounded like you needed a lozenge... threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude...
Frank DuFresne: Geez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping hawking -...
Blue Command: Hey, no offense taken, dude, don't got any kids anyway -...
Frank DuFresne: What?
Blue Command: Old Vic's been through the snip'n'stitch, if you know what I mean...
Frank DuFresne: I don't want to hear about that.
Blue Command: Winky-blinky, the one-eyed sergeant's firin' blanks...
Frank DuFresne: That's weird.
Blue Command: If you get me.
Frank DuFresne: Look...
Blue Command: Vaya Con Dios to the Vas Deferens!
Frank DuFresne: Yeah, enough, all right, I get you.
Blue Command: I need a vasectomy, dude.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons: Right, Sir.
Grif: I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons: Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons: I'm in, sir.
Sarge: [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge: Yowza!
Grif: [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons: Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila: [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut: [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif: That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut: What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons: That's the one!
Donut: The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif: Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut: Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut: HEY *****! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker: [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex: [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut: HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose has a crush on Sheila the tank, who is spending a lot of time with Lopez the robot]
Caboose: [yelling from the distance atop the Blue base] Sheila! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capt. Butch Flowers: Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your Commanding Officer, I'd pick you both up, give you a big bear hug and make you call me 'Daddy'.
Church: Uhh... Thank God for the Chain of Command?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Yeah, I've been thinking about our orders from command... Uh, Cappy... and, I gotta tell ya, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.
Tucker: I think we should listen to this guy, Captain. He seems to know plenty about being offensive.
Church: Can it, **** bird.
Tucker: See?
Capt. Butch Flowers: Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer, I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug, and make you call me Daddy.
[laughs]
Church: Um... thank God for the chain of command?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Look, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.
Capt. Butch Flowers: Hmm... that doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capt. Butch Flowers: I think I'm commanding the finest army in all of Blood Gulch.
Tucker: Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?
Church: Yeah, you know... the enemy?
Capt. Butch Flowers: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentleman. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. And yes, uh, also, those red guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capt. Butch Flowers: Now, I know you're worried about our mission, but I can tell you this - there's nothing more important to me than the safety and well-being of my men. Or my name isn't Captain... Butch... Flowers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Sarge is back into the real world and finds Simmons and Grif]
Sarge: What... what happened here?
Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.
Grif: I always believed in you, Simmons.
Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.
Sarge: Grif?
Simmons: Yes, sir.
Sarge: Grif, why in hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
Grif: [sighs] You're welcome, sir.
Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages? Use your fingers, not your knuckles. That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. Oh, yeah, shee-atsu.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: [noticing Grif and Simmons just returning to the Red base after evading Sheila's rampage] What happened?
Grif: [heavily panting and breathing as if he had run a marathon] Big... tank... shooting! WHOOOOHHHH!
Simmons: Damn, man! We only ran, like, three hundred feet! You are REALLY out of shape!
Grif: [still panting heavily] ****... you...
Donut: Where's your car?
Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.
Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[both teams have been arguing over the nature of irony for 2 hours]
Church: Okay. We all agree that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everyone happy with that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is complaining about having to handle a switch on Church's robotic body, which is located near the crotch area]
Tucker: I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
Church: You *obviously* did not know Tex that well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.
Frank DuFresne: Oh... right. Sorry.
[Accidentally accelerates, Smashes Sarge]
Sarge: Oww! Hot buttered lugnuts!
Frank DuFresne: Oooh, jeez, I'm really sorry. I just was in the wrong gear. Lemme just...
[smashes Sarge again]
Sarge: Doh! Jeez, there goes my last kidney! I was savin' that one for a special occasion!
Frank DuFresne: Third time's a charm?
Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter! Outta the jeep, now!
Frank DuFresne: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!
Grif: [Sarcastically] Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a 6000 pound steel death machine! Now that we know you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue!
Frank DuFresne: [pause] ... Really?
Simmons, Grif: Get Out!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgun... ****!
Donut: Shotgun lap!
Simmons: ****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Someone hired a freelancer to take you out. Do you have any idea why?
Tucker: I can't say.
Tex: Keeping secrets? I find that attractive...
Tucker: You do?
Tex: In attractive people, yeah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Everybody in the division was paired with an AI, and codenamed for a state.
Donut: What was your codename, Tex?
Tex: Nevada.
Tucker: One for each state? So there's fifty of you...
Tex: Forty-nine. Remember?
Tucker: Ohh, yeah... that's right. Man, poor Florida. *sigh*.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: You know, I miss the old days, when you guys were just a bunch of nameless ******** I'd yell at with Church.
Grif: It's ok, man.
[*voice breaking*]
Grif: We hate you too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Grif, Simmons, and Tucker have been transported into a post-apocalyptic future]
Grif: They destroyed it all, Simmons. Those damn stupid bastards! They blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! Those damn dirty apes!
Simmons: Calm down, Grif. We don't know if the whole world is like this.
Grif: Yes, it is. They destroyed it all. I guess a society of men just wasn't meant to survive.
Simmons: Hey, how about this - how about we explore more than two square miles before jumping to any conclusions?
Grif: It was definitely nuclear weapons. That's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages, which caused the fail-safes to fail, which released the super bacteria from a secret lab!
Simmons: Oh, come on.
Grif: That caused a huge plague, and after the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the earth and feast on human flesh.
Simmons: What?
Grif: A handful of gritty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay using only their wits and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good, and that's when the meteor hit.
Simmons: I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hollywood doesn't understand the apocalypse. They think that if just one thing from everyday life goes away, that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior, it was gas, and in Waterworld, it was land.
Simmons: What went away in The Matrix?
Tucker: Sunlight.
Grif: I thought the missing element was "plot".
Tucker: I'm talking about Matrix 1.
Simmons: Oh, right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: [annoyed] No. I NEVER wonder why we're here. Semper fi, *****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank is possessed by an evil AI which can't control Frank entirely]
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: Man, that guy is wicked fast!
[Frank's voice]
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
[O'Malley's evil voice]
Frank DuFresne: YOU SUCK!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: [has just been blown up, and is dying] I'm scared, Dave, will I dream?
[singing]
Sheila: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...
Caboose: Sheila! NOOOO!
Tucker: Oh, God! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?
Caboose: Sheila was the lady in the tank. She was my friend.
Tucker: Dude, I knew you could pick up chicks in that tank!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank being controlled by an evil AI]
Frank DuFresne: And now, I make my escape, with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen! In which case, if I see you, before you see me... look out!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: Your soul is the cavern of lies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Tucker! Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: Church... the purple guy... he's...
Church: Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley, he must have gotten the medic somehow...
Tucker: No... he's an *******...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [waiting for Lopez to fix the tank] Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Fix the tank! So that I say hello to Sheila!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: And start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds, right?
Caboose: Of course!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: For starters!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die.
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to RETREAT. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah... let's all take dying as an open-action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. YEAARRRRHH!
[charges]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: Hey guys. We might have a problem here. Somebody - and I'm not gonna say who - might have thought that one of the cyborg parts we needed for Simmons' surgery was a cupholder. And somebody - not naming any names here - might have left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.
Grif: Was it you?
Donut: Yeah. Uh, no!
[clears throat, deepens voice]
Donut: I mean, no.
[pause]
Donut: Dammit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church: Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing ***********!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons: Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif: [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut: I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge: [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut: He's so scary.
Caboose: Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church: Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church: First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church: Shove it, ****-sniffer!
Church: And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose: I beg your pardon?
Church: First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church: he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge: Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church: And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge: Arr.
Lady Donut: Do you have any tampons?
Church: Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex: Calm down, Church!
Grif: Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church: Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is driving the tank and can't get it to slow down]
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the **** do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so cunfused!
Sheila: The controller, retard!
Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
Tucker: Oh come on, now you're just being mean.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
[pause]
Sheila: Retard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Hey, Simmons. What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir
Sarge: Hey, Grif. Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Lopez is singing - badly] What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio NOW? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: And Sheila will love me again. And this time, for who I am. And not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me!
Church: [from the other side of the Blue's base] Oh, don't even START, Caboose!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a Red Grunt in what appears to be a Halo Deathmatch in Battle Creek has just "won"]
Red Grunt: Good game! Good game everybody! G-G, man, G-G! Ugh!
[Red Grunt "dies", implying he has quit the game]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flap directions to us in battle? We are lost! And the world as we knew it is gone from our eyes! Only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the end of times!
[shouts]
Red Zealot: Repent! Repent!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: [after an angered Caboose makes his overly dramatic entrance into the battlefield] It's the Beast! The Anti-Flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So just remember, the Internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared.
Grif: How do you recommend they prepare?
Church: I don't know. Try going to your local middle school chess club. Hand out crystal meth and drugs. That might be good practice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Thanks for watching, everybody! Now let's all go home and **********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Sarge and Caboose's last attempt to get the Battle Creek Red and Blue grunts to listen to them has failed]
Caboose: Wait. I can make them listen. I... can... *beat* them.
Sarge: Son, what are you talkin' about?
Caboose: O'Malley taught me how to be mean.
[struggles to concentrate]
Caboose: I... just... have... to... concentrate... on, bad... things! Like *milk*... no wait, red... *Red Bull*!
Sarge: Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!
Caboose: No, I can feel him. I just need to... get angry, and *say mean things*, like... uh... *Your brain is a mountain of hatred!*
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.
Caboose: [now speaking in a very stilted, halting cadence, straining even more] Now, I am... thinking... about... kittens! Guh, *kit-tens*... covered... in... spikes. That makes... me... *angry!*
[begins to convulse and yell]
Caboose: [Caboose completely loses all self-control and then jumps off the cliff. An overly dramatic upshot of Caboose jumping down from the cliff, in slow motion. Caboose is yelling in a slowed-down, guttural yell, then lands on his feet, shaking the ground. The Reds and Blue grunts stop fighting and stare incredulously at Caboose]
Caboose: [in a deep gruff evil voice] My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I... hate... *babies*!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was half across the base when he started screaming bloody murder.
Pvt. Mickey: Bloody murder!
[shouts]
Pvt. Mickey: Bloody murder!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: [in the midst of a huge battle] Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Everyone, *stop fighting*!
[the fighting stops]
Red Zealot: Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
Red Grunt: [reverently] It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
Red Zealot: I have seen the top of the mountain, and you will all worship me, as though I were a *god*!
[several Blue grunts run up and mob him]
Red Zealot: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dared to dream!
[dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: Come on, Mr. Blue guy! You gotta wake up! Wake up!
Tucker: It hurts, just let me die.
Donut: You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls want to talk about is chick stuff! And not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Get Doc. I need Doc.
Donut: I can't! He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped! He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?
Tucker: I know. I want him to shoot me again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got seperated in the teleporter.
[Into COM]
Simmons: Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently, your plan to chase Lopez and Doc failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the universe.
[pause]
Simmons: Or it's... the janitors closet, hell, I don't ******' know. Sarge, are you there? Sarge!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: My toes... are getting pruney.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roomates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!
Sarge: What? Holy Macaroon.
[Checks out the dead person]
Sarge: He's not sleeping, son, he's dead.
Caboose: Oh good. At first, I thought that was me because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Look! More sleeping people! It must be naptime! But who has naptime now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Get over here! Give me a boost!
Caboose: Okay...
[walks up close to Sarge]
Caboose: You... are a good person. And people say... nice things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
Sarge: I know. I need you to help me look through it.
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is *round*, that window is *square*.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: What do you see?
Caboose: I see, a room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait, only one ceiling.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors... preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue. I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
Caboose: Am I allowed to answer?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I just... need to... get angry... and say... mean things... like... uh, your... brain... is... a... mountain... of... hatred.
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif, but here it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Simmons has just barely fixed the teleporter in time]
Sarge: Simmons, you get an F in efficiency, but I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[fueled by anger, after single-handedly defeating every Battle Creek Red and Blue grunt]
[shouts]
Caboose: I will eat your unhappiness!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [is looking for the mark to set the bomb on and comes across the X, which he views at an awkward angle] That, is a plus sign... not an X.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: [lies dying, after Tucker guts him with the Plasma Sword] My quest is over. I can see the flag. It's so... flappy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [after the angered Caboose's rampage on the Battle Creek Reds and Blue grunts, with Sarge and Caboose ready to hop through a teleporter] Your toast has been burned, and *no* amount of scraping will remove the black parts!
Sarge: Oh, shut up, Caboose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [Trying to calm Andy down, to stop him from exploding] Come on Andy, think of a happy place. What makes you feel happy?
Andy The Bomb: ...being in the middle of big explosion!
Church: Less happy place, less happy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: [the Reds and Blues have just rendezvoused with Tex at Zansibar] What took you guys so long to get here?
Simmons: There's six of us, and this is only a three-seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
Donut: [enthusiastically] It was a great road trip! My favorite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally...
Grif: [disgusted sigh] Ugh, *please*, let's not tell this story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
Sarge: What'd you find, Tex?
Tex: Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days, now. And he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
Caboose: [excited] Oh, I liked them. They were funny.
Tucker: Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a *flag*.
Caboose: I try not to remember the bad things about people.
Tucker: That's *all* they tried to do! There *were* no good things!
Caboose: That's okay. I have a really bad memory - wow, look, a beach!
Sarge: Shut up, Caboose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [asking about a favor in return for Tex's help] But... it could be anything?
Tex: That's right.
Grif: [pause] Like gay stuff?
Tex: Oh, I have no idea!
Grif: But can we rule out the gay stuff?
Donut: Hey! How come I never get to help?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: [Donut shoots at the Blues]
Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [about mystery distress call] Simmons, have you tracked the source?
Simmons: Well, sir, all I can tell is the direction. I have *no* idea how far it is.
Sarge: Why not? I thought you were our unofficial science officer.
Simmons: That just means I'm smart. You want me to multiply two big numbers in my head... that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with *no equipment*.
Grif: What's 32 times 56?
Simmons: 31,452.
Sarge: Is that right?
Simmons: Yes.
Sarge: That's pretty impressive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring, I like to think I walk that line everyday of my life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you know what weapons we'll be using?
Sarge: Weapons. They're gonna be great!
Church: Okay awesome, what are they?
Sarge: That information is only given to people with the proper clearance.
Church: What's the proper clearance?
Sarge: Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-know basis.
Church: Do I need to know?
Sarge: That's top secret!
Church: This sucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today...
Grif: Yeah not really. I'm just happy not to be washing the Warthog... for once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: What's the big scoop?
Sarge: That the campaign is going to be great, and, you're really, going, to, enjoy it. That, is all. Thank you for your time.
Church: Wait a second, that's it? That's the big announcement? That we're going to enjoy the new campaign?
Sarge: No, that you're really going to enjoy it. Oh, and the part about it being great.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: So all we know is that there's gonna be some kind of an upcoming campaign...
Sarge: Possibly.
Grif: And that the Spartans will be involved in it...
Sarge: Those are your words.
Grif: But that we can't know anything...
Sarge: I can't say.
Grif: Including who we're fighting...
Sarge: I have no comment for the subject.
Grif: Or if we're even fighting in it...
Sarge: Sarge: I plead the fifth.
Grif: Or when it even starts...
Sarge: I refer you to my previous statement.
Grif: But that it's going to be great.
Sarge: I feel comfortable confirming that. Wait- Yes.
Grif: ...well I'm totally stoked!
Simmons: Kickass!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I have a plan, Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen; whisper, whisper, whisper. Do you think that will work?
Sarge: That's your plan? All you said was, "Whisper, whisper, whisper."
Caboose: I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wyoming: Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?
Phil: Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.
Wyoming: Splendid, that's the attitude, old chap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Hurry up, Simmons.
Simmons: Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.
Sarge: We don't have a few more seconds!
Simmons: Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.
Church: Well, are you at least getting any useful information?
Tucker: Nah, it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or... say them ten seconds earlier!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.
Tex: I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.
Grif: A countdown timer?
Tex: No, a count up timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer, you idiot!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: What if we just beat on these window shutters together, we can get 'em open.
Sarge: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!
Tucker: But I can see daylight!
Sarge: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Just tell us! What did you see?
Church: Umm, it was a really big... Thing...
Tex: That's your story? You saw a big thing?
Tucker: Ahh, my story had a big thing too. You just didn't give it time to develop.
Church: Well, I didn't really get a good look at it.
Caboose: At Tucker's big thing?
Church: No, you dumbass! At the big thing in the base that attacked me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue Elite: Wort...
Andy The Bomb: He doesn't wear any pants.
Tucker: Yeah, we noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might need to change.
Andy The Bomb: Why? We're used to being naked! Free-ballin'! Come on... Commando!
Tucker: Let me just put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword
Tex: Huh... Wha... Oh excu... erm... Yeah, I-I was just admiring his-his alien... muscle structure...
Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...
Tex: Well that's just a matter of *****- I mean, uh... opinion! That's... that's it...
Church: Smooth...
Caboose: You told me it was another arm...
Blue Elite: GRRRRRR!
Andy The Bomb: Hey Caboose... High Five!
Caboose: I don't want to do that any more...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: Defenses are established, Sarge!
[*Sheila the tank, under Simmons' command, destroys part of the red base*]
Donut: Cancel that, Sarge - defenses are destroyed.

RFF

"Church, women are like Voltron; the more you hook up, the better it gets."

"What do you want from me Caboose? It's an entire planet made of ice, it's really, *******, cold."

Griff: What the ****?
Donut: What?!
Simmons: What is that thing?
Donut: What thing?!
Griff: There's somthing on your head..
Donut: What? Is it a spider? Get it off!
Simmons: No its not a spider..its like a blue thing...
Donut: What? Like a blue spider? Get it off!
Griff: Its not a spider, calm down, its some kind of buzzing pulsing thing..
Donut: That doesnt sound much better than a spider
Simmons: Does it hurt?
Donut: No.
Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.
Griff: Good idea, go for it.
Simmons: Me? By we I meant you...*******.
Donut: Well somebody needs to get it off, look, it could be dangerous. BOOM
Simmons and Griff: SON OF A *****!

church: you guys arn't kidding... the other day when i was taking a bath... one of these things rolls up, drills a hole in my right butt cheek and starts taking pictures... thats not to cool!

"What's a Pacifist?"
"Isn't that something babies suck on?"
"No, That's a "

"You shot Church, you team-killing ****-tard!"

"Even if we were to pull out today and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-*******-doo."

Simmons: Hey
Griff: Yeah?
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Griff: Thats one of lifes great mysteries isnt it? I mean, why are we here? Are we the product of some...cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a god, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I dont know man, but it keeps me up at night...
Simmons: What?! I mean why are we out HERE, in this canyon?
Griff: Oh, uhhhh...Yeah..
Simmons: What was all that stuff about god?
Griff: Uhhhh...Hm? Nothing!
Simmons: You want to talk about it?
Griff: No!
Simmons: You sure?
Griff: Yes!


Simmons: So, do you ever wonder why we're here?
Griff: No! I never EVER wonder why we're here.

Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: GOD damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question
Tucker: Hey you got that ****** rifle I can't see ****. Don't ***** at me because I'm not gonna sit up here and play with my **** all day
Church: Okay, okay look. They're just standing there and talking, okay. That's all their doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me 5 minutes ago. So 5 minutes from now when you ask me "What are they doing" my answers gonna be "they're still talkin, and they're still just standin there"


Tucker: What are they talking about
Church: You know what; I ******* hate you

Tucker: Unless cover fire involves building a huge bulletproof wall between me and there, I think you're going to have to come up with a new plan.

"What kinda animal has tusks?"
"A walrus."
"What'd I tell you about making up animals?"

Tex: As far as Im concerned, Im square with you.
Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment, how the hell are you square with ME?
Tex: Because I didnt kill YOU back at sidewinder.
Church: You know, I dont really see how not killing sombody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
Tex: Well...If you dont appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
Church: No you cant, Im already dead *****, I guess the jokes on you!

"First God makes hangovers, then half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Doctors actually fix people, medics just make them feel better while they die."

Sarge: One guess, why I gathered ya here, today.
Griff: Is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: Thats exactly it private, the war's over, we won, turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is IN CHARGE OF CONFETI!!
Griff: Im no stranger to sarcasm Sir.
Sarge: God damn it private, shut yer mouth or Ill have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!.
Simmons: Oh I'd do it too.
Sarge: I know you would Simmons, Good man.

**tank shoots for the first time**
Everybody In the General Vicinity one after the other: SON OF A *****!

"Oh my god. That jeep has a REALLY big gun"

"Water? We ran out of water like three months ago."
"No water? So what do you drink?"
"Oh, you know. Ketchup, soy sauce, gravy."

"this is the m12-lrv. i like to call it the warthog"
"why warthog, sir?"
"because m12-lrv is too hard to say in conversation, son."
"no…why warthog? I mean, it doesnt really look like a pig."
"say that again"
"i think i looks mor like a puma"
"what im damn-hell is a puma?"
"uhh… you mean like the shoe company?"
"no… like a puma. its a big cat, like a lion"
"you're makin that up."
"i'm tellin you. its a real animal."
"simmons, i want you to poison griffs next meal."
"yes sir."
"see these teo toe hoofs, the look like tusks. now what kind of animal has tusks?"
"a walrus."
"didn't i just tell you to stop makin up animals."

"so unless anyone has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, were gonna stick with the warthog. how about it griff?"
"no sir, no more suggestions."
"are you sure? how bout big foot?"
"thats ok."
"unicorn?"
"no, really. im cool."
"sasquatch?"
"lepercahun"
"hey, he doesnt need any help, man."
"phoenix"
"ahh crap"
"hey simmions, whats the name of theat mexican lizard? eats all the goats."
"uhh… that would be the chupacarba, sir."
"hey griff… chup-a-thingy. how about that? i like it. got a ring to it."


this is off the dvd, its a outtake from sarge but its ****** hilarious

(talking about master cheif)"Oh he exists alright, I met him during training. It was the summer i spent at Fort Lachewka. We were preparing to lead an invasion against the forces of the Pluteriens. I seen him from across the way and could tell he was a commanding figure, oh he stood 6-7ft tall, he had dark brown skin and chocolatey flowing hair, it was the kinda thing that would make a man giggle to himself in the night. I can't say everything i learned from him, but i can tell you this, I'm glad i learned it. Even if it does give me nightmares...
"

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank..."
"Oh man, you can ***** about anything. What chicks are we gonna pick up? Besides, who can pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"
"What does it look like, anyway?"
"I dunno, like some kind of big cat."
"What, you mean like a Puma?"
"Yeah, yeah, there you go man."

"Caboose? I don't even think he knows how to opperate a switch."

grif:"the chick in the black armors back!"
doughnut: "what chick? the chick that stuck that grenade to my head?"
simmons:"thats the one"
doughnut:"the same chick that's the sole reason im stuck in this light red armor"
grif" doughnut i under stand your need to safegaurd your masculinity, but really man its a hole lot faster to say pink"
doughnut:"oooh oh i've been waiting for this!.....
HEY *****! REMEMBER ME!? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! *throws grenade*"
everybody watches the grenade fly through the air....
tucker:"man that girl has a really good arm"
tex:"ah CRAP"
doughnut:" HELL YAH! THREE POINTS YOU DIRTY !" (echo's)

"This one has a really big pinchy thing."
"THAT'S RIGHT. FEAR THE CLAW, *****."

"I'm a PACIFIST."
"...You're a thing that babies suck on."
"No, dude, you're thinking of a ."
"Tucker... I think he means a PACIFIER."
"Oh... Right. Man, I was... TOTALLY thinking about something else."

Caboose "I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said: "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"
Church:"Hey rookie. Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"
Tucker: "No I think he called her a ****"

"Its not pink, its light red"
"They already have a name for lightish red. It's called pink."

"grif:how the hell did you get out of there!? i tied you up and poured concrete over the grave.... just in case you turned into a zombie!
sarge: yes, but you made one crucal mistake.... you left me my spoon
grif:NO!
sarge: thats right! i ate my way out, the soft dirt was like a delicious butter scotch browny to me"

Caboose-"NOOOO SHIELA!!!"
Tucker- "What? Shiela nooo! Wait whos Shiela??"
Caboose- "She was the lady in the tank....she was my friend...."
Tucker- "Ooohooo...... Dude I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!!"

Sarge "Quite obviously the blue team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on lopez and now he has to do there evil blue bidding"
Griff "Or since he is a robot they probably just reprogrammed him"
Donut "Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost and now he possessing lopez's body, that could also explain why sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him to, and the jeep going nuts, well its probably a weird set of coincedences while the guy learned how to use lopez's body"
*silence*
Simmons "I think I like the ray beam idea better"
Griff "Yea rookie your idea sounds a little dumb"

Did you just spit inside your own helmet sir..?
Yes...
Permission to speak freely sir...
Go Ahead....
Thats really ******* gross Sir


Caboose:"i should of known, girls never like me."
Tucker:"Caboose, i dont think anyone likes you"
Caboose:"i like me..."

"AHA! I KNEW IT! only a chick can give you a head ache this big"
caboose:a i... whats the i stand for?
church:intelligence..
caboose:whats the ...
church:artificial...
cabooseooooh, whats the i again?

church:"so how are you doing caboose? are you following any of this what so ever?"
caboose:"I think so... that guy tex is really a robot, and ur his boyfriend, so that makes you... a gay robot!"
church:"ya, thats right... im a gay robot"

kaboose:"Distraction? that sound alot like decoy"

Simmons: No, I don't think that getting new rims for the jeep is a good idea.
Griff: OH, COME ON! If we all kick in we could get some spinners, some kick *** subs - hydrolics!

Tucker: All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth." Haha. Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet *** pimped out ride, *****!

Sarge: Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You've touched everything. That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Donut: I feel dizzy, Sarge.
Sarge: Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood. You just need some orange juice.

Tucker: But you guys think I'm your enemy and I'm not preparing to do anything...except get l-a-i-d.
(blank stares)
Tucker: ...laid.
Griff: Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was ******* weak.

I forget who: what do you see?
caboose: I see walls, and ceilings, no! just one ceiling

caboose:time is not made out of lines! it is made out of circles, that is why clocks are round

I forget who (not the same guy): Ive got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees

Caboose: I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!

Caboose (again): Your toast has been burnt, and no amount of scraping will remove the black stuff!

Caboose (he owns): We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

Caboose: "Look! A sleeping person!"
Sarge: "He's not sleepin' son, he's dead."
Caboose: "Oh, good because at first I thought it was me, because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, than it cannot be me. That would be silly."

(later...)

Caboose: "Look! More sleeping people. It must be nap time! But... it isn't nap time yet. I think these people are just making up times!"

(Also)
Caboose's Mental Image of Sarge: "Argh, I be havin' a southern accent, ya'll."
(and): "I have termites in me legs!"

Caboose: Shiela! Come back to me! I make you Haaappy!

Sarge: "Get over here! Gimme a boost!

Caboose: "Ok... You are a good person, and people say nice things about you."

Sarge: "Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window."

Caboose: "That window is very high, I don't think you are tall enough."

Sarge: "I know, I need you to help me look through it."

Caboose: "I do not think I am tall enough either, also, My head is round, that window is square."

Sarge: "Come Here, you." *boosts Caboose up to see through window* "What do you see?"

Caboose: "I see, a room."

Sarge: "And... what's in it?"

Caboose: "There are some walls and some ceilings. WAIT! Just one ceiling...

"Well, somebody owes me the last five minutes of my life back"

Church: There's no "I" in team Grif.
Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamned team! The team sucks!

Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is... um... it's a little... um... Grif, uh, you want to help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it.
[Accusatory]
Simmons: Pink.


Sarge: What's making all that noise up there?
Multiplayer Blue Team: [shouts] Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it...

Caboose: This is fun! Ok, ok, your turn! Truth or dare?
Donut: Hmm. Truth!
Caboose: Ok... tell me... all of the Red's secret plans!
Donut: Aww! You tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Ok, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is...
[Church's Ghost runs in and takes control of Donut's Body]
Church: Caboose! Its me, Church! I possesed this guy so we can - hey. This pink armor is kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?
[Sad]
Caboose: Oh... nothing.

Caboose: "You could walk on your hands. Then you could use your feet for..High Fives, and...Eating Sandwiches..you know, all the important stuff"

Caboose: I just... need to... get angry... and say... mean things... like... uh, your... brain... is... a... mountain... of... hatred.
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif, but here it is.



Grif: So now we're forced to work together? How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic! Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other!
Donut: No, ironic would be, if instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Suck it blue!
=No... uhh... you suck it blue?
+Dude, you really need to work on your comebacks

08-18-2005, 12:10 AM
Doc: "Sorry, but it seems you aren't very popular around here. And if I want to make any progress, I can't be directly associated with you."
Donut: "Burn dude! Burn! You got burned dude! Dude, you got burned! Bur......"
Simmons "Shut the f^&* up."
Donut: "Sorry"

Simmons: Sarge have you seen anything weird?
Sarge: Yes, many years ago when a man claiming to be my uncle...
Simmons: uhh.. Sarge i meant in the last 10 seconds and what was that about your uncle?
Sarge: he wasnt my uncle dammit, now get your *** back in the jeep!

Caboose: thats not an X THATs a plus sign

Caboose: "I...dont...understand.... Tucker are you cold? Do you want something to eat? Tuucker do want a hot dog in a blankie?"
Tucker: Wai-what? Caboose- no im not cold and dammit if you put mustard inbetween my sheets again im going to ****!ng kill you!"

Caboose: "I can't see them, they can't see me!"
Tucker: "Thats becouse your facing the rock"
Caboose: "Ohh!"
Tucker: "Real smooth, dip****"

Church #1: I went back and tried to explain everything and, oddly enough, Caboose was the only one who understood. By the time I was done asking questions, the bomb went off and I was sent back in time.
Church #2: Yeah, and then I went back and tried to shoot Wyoming before he shot Tucker. So I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot ME, the bomb went off and I was sent back in time.
Church #3: When I went back, I just decided to kill everything.
Church #4: Why would you do that?
Church #3: I dunno. Seemed like fun. Guess I kinda went crazy for a bit.

rch: Shisno is something bad, isn't it.
Gary: Let me put it this way. What is the smelliest animal on your planet?
Church: A skunk. Are you trying to say shisno means skunk?
Gary: Nono. This animal, does it defecate?
Church: ...yes...
Gary: And does its defecation, in turn, produce it's own excrement?
Church: Eww no! That's disgusting!!!!!
Gary:
...
...
...
Then there is no English equivalent for the word shisno.

O'malley: "Lopez! Can't these things move any faster?"
Lopez: "This is their maximum velocity."
O'malley: "I'm very dissappointed in you, this isn't what I asked for."
Lopez: "You said you wanted a DAY of victory. At this rate, they will win in exactly twenty four hours."
Robot Army Soldier: "chaaaaarrrrrggggeee."

Simmons + Grif (Simmons slightly faster): "Shotgun."
Grif: "****"
Donut: "Shotgun's lap!"
Simmons: "****"

Donut: "Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?"
Sarge: "Nobody's gonna fall for that twice Donut."

Grif: Sure, women act like they're so tough, but the first time they need a couch moved, who do they call?
-Tex looks at him-
Grif: Pleasedontkillme!

O'Malley: They shall taste oblivion! Which tastes like Red Bull! Which is disgusting!

"I think blarg means apple, apple must mean the name of his cat? your cat is stuck in the tree. i will call the fire brigade. Tucker get a ladder."

I have the power of the beard. i can find lunches anywheree on the map!

Church :Make sure you change your underwear atleast once a day; And that goes double for you Tucker
Tucker : Wait why me?!? Im the cleanest guy here.
Church : No, It goes double for you because your now in charge of changing Caboose as well.
Tucker : I hate you.
Blarg : BLARG!!!
Bomb : But he doesnt wear any pants.
Tucker : Yeah we've noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might have to change.
Bomb : What!?! We're use-to being naked. Free Ballin. Cmon, Commmaando.
Tucker : Let me just put it this way. I felt less threatened when Tex was just staring at his sword.
Tex : Oh; Excus-m ah yea; I was just admiring his... Alien... muscle... structure.
Tucker : Yea, One particular part of his muscle structure.
Tex : Well thats just a matter of peni- I mean ah... opinion.
Church : Smooth. -_-
Caboose: You told me it was another arm.
Blarg: BLARG!!!
Bomb: Hey Caboose; High Five!
Caboose: I dont want to do that anymore...

"Where were you planning on shooting it from? The ******* moon?!"

Tucker: Church?!?!?......Chuuuurrrrrch?!?!?!.....Hey Church!!!!

Church: Right behind you dumbass

Tucker: Oh, Hey Church, do you have a Knife?

Church: No, thats a weapon dude, Ask Tex

Tucker: She said she had somethin to take care of.....Girl stuff i think

Church: Huh, Like what?

Tucker: I dont know, i stopped asking questions 'bout Girl stuff....

Church: What are you 2 guys doin?

Tucker: We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English

Church: How are ya gonna do that?

Tucker: People Learn English all the time, It Arnt that Hard....

Church: Maybe you should try learning his Language

Tucker: **** that....We got here 1st and that makes this a Coloney.....Those are the Rules dude....Earth Coloney, Earth Language

Church: Tucker, theres thousands of Languages Spoken on Earth....

Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ***....and thats the one we're teaching...English 101, Remiedial Kick ***

Church: Alright.....there is no way this is gonna work....

Tucker: Yeah it is...we got Visual Aids and everything....

Church: Where in the hell did you get those???

Tucker: We made em....Turns out Cabooses Gun diddnt have any Bullets....it was loaded with Crayons....I just need to cut one of these things.....Do you have a Pocket Knife?

Church: Hey, if you need to cut something, why dont you just use that big Sword of yours???

Tucker: Oh Right......Duh....

*Pulls out Sword*

The Great Destroyer: Blarrrrgg.....

*See's tucker holding Sword*

The Great Destoryer: BLAAAAARRRRGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Smashes Tucker in the Back knockin him down*

Tucker: OW!!! WHAT THE ****!!! *smack* Ow....

Church: Man Tucker....That thing either really hates that Sword....Or it really hates you

Tucker: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH....GET THIS ****** THING OFF ME!!!!!!

Church: Heheh...Wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to valuate how these things fight.....Now Hold still......Its for Science

Tucker: Not the Face...*Smack* NOT THE FACE!!!! *Smack*

The red soldier: Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! (everyone stops shooting and looks at him) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
A red soldier: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
The red flag bearer: I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!
* The poor red dude is mobbed by four blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down *
The red flag bearer: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!

Caboose: I can hear you church, can you hear me?
Church: Caboose, is that you?
Caboose: I can hear you church, can you hear me?
Church: Caboose, is that you?
Caboose: I can hear you church, can you hear me?
Donut: Should we tell him its a recording?
Sarge: No! I want to see how long this lasts.


Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team's flag has just been stolen]
Church: Me and Tucker will go through the teleporter, and cut him off at the pass! Tucker, you ready?
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that nobody could drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: And? So? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered in black stuff.
Church: So this is what this is all about - you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a plasma grenade exploded on Donut's head]
Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "**** I Already Know'?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
Tucker: What? No way!
Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Tucker: Holy ****! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
[to Caboose:]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: [after discovering that he killed Captain Flowers, he let Donut take the flag, and he got himself killed] No! I'm the team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: You know, I could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time!
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards
Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the ******* moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!
[the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church #2: There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2: Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church: [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2: [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2: Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila: Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2: Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila: Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2: Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila: Affirmative.
Church #2: Alright. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila: Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2: I want the other thing.
Sheila: [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2: Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila: This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2: [left behind] Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila: I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2: [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What?
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Church #2: Oh NO! *I'm* the team-killing ********!
Tucker: [to Caboose:] You shot Church, you team-killing ********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [*realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church: Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[*brief pause*]
Tucker: I'm talkin' about women.
Church: I know, yes. I got it.
Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church: Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker: What? Then who?
[*he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker: No ******* way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[*The Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb: [*chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[*chuckles again*]
Caboose: Just like chiropractors!
Tucker: This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna ******' die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Church: Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Church: Right, then I teleported *back* to Sidewinder and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
Church: And then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
Church: Why did you do that?
Church: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Church: [to yellow Church] Well, what did you do?
Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it - it didn't work.
Church: So now we all come back here *beforehand* to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
Church: You said beforehand twice.
Church: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was ...
Church: [all together] That won't work.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem ...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things ******* are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer ********.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh, I wanna hear the long version. But, can you tell me in three parts?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge is installing a voice chip into Lopez, who moments before was revealed to be, in fact, a robot]
Simmons: Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up!
[a flash of light from the back of Lopez comes from within, with an electrical noise]
Sarge: Yeaow!
Simmons: Sir! I won't say I told you so, sir!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I can't believe I actually died for this war.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons: OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif: Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif: OK. OK. On three.
Caboose: Here!
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring targets.
Church: [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons: One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: Oh ****, oh ****, oh ****...
Simmons: Two...
Sheila: Target locked.
Simmons: Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons: Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons: Son of a *****!
Grif: Son of a *****!
Church: Son of a *****!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker: [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons: [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sheila the tank is stuck on a rock while the turret is spinning in circles]
Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon.
Grif: Uh... Oh... Yeah...
Simmons: What's all this stuff about God?
Grif: Uh... um... Nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So how are you doing Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so. That guy Tex is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: ...Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can *definitely* pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What are you going to do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: Ha ha ha ha ha, yes! This place will do nicely for an evil lair! It's diabolically designed.
Frank DuFresne: As a student of Feng Shui, I can tell you this house is eighty-eight percent good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floor plan.
O'Malley: Quiet, you fool.
Lopez: I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.
O'Malley: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed. We're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence has scared everyone away, mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Frank DuFresne: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?
O'Malley: Oh, shut up.
Frank DuFresne: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.
Lopez: It could have mold.
O'Malley: Both of you shut up! We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory. It's perfect!
Frank DuFresne: Yeah, but what about the school district?
Lopez: We have no children.
Frank DuFresne: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.
O'Malley: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world, not make prudent investments!
Lopez: It's important to have a fallback plan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hello inferior Red squad!
Church: We would like to talk to you about...
Caboose: [Interrupting] Sneak attack!
Church: Shut up you idiot! We're not here to fight! We're here to negotiate!
Caboose: Yay! Sneak negotiation!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blues have Lopez and have delivered an ultimatum to Sarge and the mostly robotic Simmons]
Sarge: I'm torn between my intense distrust of the blue team and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation!
[beat]
Sarge: No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir! You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif!
Grif: [sobbing] I... I just can't take this, we're all going to *die*!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[about modding a Warthog they've just found on postapocalyptic Earth]
Tucker: All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth'.
[Laughs]
Tucker: Well, that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ***, pimped out ride, *****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [Church has deliberately shot Caboose in the foot] Rest in peace, pinky toe...
O'Malley: YOU SHALL BE AVENGED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
Church: I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
Tucker: No we didn't.
Church: Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
Tucker: Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
Church: I did?
Tucker: You gave me a catalogue with stuff circled in it.
Church: Huh, doesn't ring a bell.
Tucker: You set a budget for us, between 300 and 350.
Church: Oh well, I guess its just one of those things.
Tucker: **** you, I'm keeping it.
Church: Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving... Holy **** blue Santa.
Tucker: Where?
[He Looks and sees nothing. When he looks back for Church he is gone, along with the present]
Tucker: Aww crap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church: [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church: [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge: [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently?jerk!
Grif: We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons: I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne: Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut: Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should take a non-violent approach to resolve this...
O'Malley: [Inside of "Doc'/Frank] I agree! Except, replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extroardinaire"! HAHAHAHAHA!
Donut: [Entering cave in which "Doc' is talking to "himself'] Hey, what's going on in there?
Frank DuFresne: We can't do this! They're going to find out! They'll find out about us, the machines, everything!
Donut: [Further entering the cave] What the? Those voices sound suspicious.
O'Malley: I will rip out their GUTS, and feed on their entrails!
Frank DuFresne: But I'm a vegetarian!
Donut: [Seeing "Doc' without "Doc' seeing him] Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget! But where's the guy he's talkin' to?
Frank DuFresne: Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment... that's rude!
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good...
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and CRAP out their souls!
Donut: That sounds even worse!
O'Malley: They will all taste OBLIVION! Which tastes JUST like Red Bull... which is disgusting!
Donut: [Offended] Whoa!
O'Malley: All will perish! HAHAHAHA!
Donut: All? Wait! That includes me! Oh, man, I gotta go tell the guys!
Frank DuFresne: [Hearing Donut] Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree. Except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Do you guys ever get anything done, or do you just stand around and talk all day?
Grif: We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
Church: Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot I guess. Ahem, all right, stand back. Hrrrrrhhh...! Hnnnnggg...! Gmmmmmm...!
Tucker: Anything?
Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.
Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. Hrrrrrrhh... oh, hey!
Tucker: Found it?
Church: Ah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.
Tucker: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing!
Church: Celsius, Tucker.
Tucker: Come on dude, Celsius sucks.

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Frank DuFresne: Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude.
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!
Donut: That sounds even worse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes like Red Bull! Which is disgusting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Thanks for the support Grif. Way to be a team player.
Grif: Hey, I've got to think about myself here.
Church: There's no "I" in team Grif.
Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamned team! The team sucks!

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Wyoming: Right, I don't have time to torture you...
Phil: Oh, thank God...
Wyoming: ...so I'm just going to have to kill you.
Phil: Oh, this *sucks*!
[instant fade-to-black, gunshot heard]

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[O'Malley infected Frank "Doc" Defresne. O'Malley is atop of the base laughing evilly]
O'Malley: Here I am, you fools!
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: That guy's wicked fast!
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in High School! It was the least direct competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
O'Malley: *You* suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out! The universe will be mine!
[evil laugh]

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[Frank is possessed by an evil AI which can't control Frank entirely]
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: Man, that guy is wicked fast!
[Frank's voice]
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
[O'Malley's evil voice]
Frank DuFresne: [shouts] You suck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donut is showing off his uniquely colored armor to his teammates]
Grif: Uh, hey Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is... um... it's a little... um... Grif, uh, you want to help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it.
[Accusatory]
Simmons: Pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donut has just explained that his armor is not pink, but merely "lightish red']
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink.

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[Caboose has just asked his Blue Army teammates why a simple blue flag is so important to defend - his teammates don't really know, either]
Church: Because it's the flag, man! You know... it's the... its The Flag! It's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
Tucker: Well... it's... it's complicated. The... it's blue, we're blue...
Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us.

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[Sarge has just tried to communicate with the Spanish-speaking Lopez by speaking very slowly]
Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

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[the Reds and Blues negotiate a unique terms of surrender, in which the Blues will send over the Medic, Frank Dufresne, in exchange for Grif, on behalf of the Reds, declaring how much he sucks]
Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.
Grif: [exasperated sigh] I would just like to let everyone know that I suck.
Church: And?
Grif: [with heavy hesitation] And that I'm a girl.
Church: What else?
Grif: [in a hesitant tone] And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the *boys*.
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

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[Tucker and Church of Blue Army are spying on Grif and Simmons of Red Army. Church is using a sniper rifle to watch the Reds]
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God damn, I am getting so sick of answering that question.
Tucker: You have the ******* rifle, I can't see ****. Don't ***** at me, because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my **** all day.
Church: OK, OK, look. They're just standing there and talking. OK? That's all they're doing. That's all they EVER do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."
Tucker: [after a long pause] What are they talking about?
Church: You know what? I ******* hate you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [discussing the futility of civil war] Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. Y'know, fight them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: May I introduce the our new light reconnaissance vehicle! It has four-inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?
Sarge: Because "M12LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but... Why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?
Simmons: You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No. Like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
Sarge: You're makin' that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: [Points at front of the Warthog] Look, see these two tailhooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: [Frank has arrived too late to save Tex's life] First of all, great job on the Tex, man. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.
Frank DuFresne: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.
Tucker: Consci... who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: ...You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a .
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh, yeah. Right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: So I say to the guy, How're you going to get the tank down to the planet? And he goes, I'll just put it on the ship. And I go, if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Seriously, though. Why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
Grif: Mm-hm.
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a Red base here is 'cause they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there is 'cause we have a Red base here.
Grif: Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other
Simmons: No, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-******' doo.
Grif: What's up with that, anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Fighting a bunch of Blue guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [Church has just been shot] Church! It's going to be OK, man!
Church: No... I'm not... I'm not going to make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
Tucker: What is it?
Church: I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
Tucker: Yeah. I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you *****.
Church: OK.
[dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Grif and Donut are hiding behind the Warthog... Sheila the Tank is about to run into the jeep]
Donut: Let's make a break for it!
Grif: Whew! In that case, let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past.
Donut: OK, you count.
Grif: Fine. But don't look at me while I count, because I get nervous.
[Grif turns away from Donut]
Grif: One...
[Donut gets up and runs like hell]
Grif: Two...
[Grif turns and sees that Donut is long gone]
Grif: That son of a *****. He beat me at my own game. Curses!
[Sheila the Tank plows into the Warthog, blowing it up]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[during a Public Service Announcement asking NASA to stop sending Mars rovers to Blood Gulch]
Simmons: At least Grif figured out how to turn them into skateboards.
Grif: [Grif runs past the camera very fast] Whoohoo!
Simmons: Hey! Sarge says you're supposed to wear a helmet!
Grif: [Off camera] I'm gonna build a ramp! Who wants to help?

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[Church has possessed the body of Lopez the Mexican robot, and the Red team is negotiating for Lopez's return]
Sarge: All right, Blues. First off. We want your flag...
Simmons: Wait, wait, wait. Wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.
Sarge: ...to stay right where it is. Keep the flag. But we do want our mechanized droid guy back.
Church: Uh-oh.
Sarge: You may know him as Senor El Roboto.
Tucker: Well, Church? What's it going to be?
Church: No way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.
Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other... mechanical parts.
Church: Uh, he's not here anymore!
Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" And then he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. That's French.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: But I don't want to be dead. I want to be alive. Or a cowboy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church and Tucker are discussing Tex's actions on Planet Sidewinder]
Church: Then she beat Jimmy to death with his own skull.
Tucker: What? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
[cut to Planet Sidewinder. Tex is beating Jimmy with his own skull]
Pvt. Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible!
[grunts and dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [revelling] AI... What's the "A" stand for?
Church: Artificial.
Caboose: Ah. What's the...
Church: [interrupting] Intelligence.
[short pause]
Caboose: What's the "A" again?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fixed everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. If that happens, I just want to let you know I'm sorry. Sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. Sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should have been. Sorry for... well, a lot of stuff...
Church: ...but, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me and you should build a ******* statue in my honor. I'm serious! Something cool! Like me on a horse. No, no, no, wait, a motorcycle!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is showing Donut his energy sword]
Donut: Wow, that's great! I like the glowing part. Ooh, does it make cool noises when you swing it?
Tucker: I don't think so. No, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is, then yes. It goes, "Whoosh whoosh, whoosh, wsh wsh, wsh-ch-ch, chw chw, whsh-chsh, chsh-chsh-chww, whshhh, sh-sh-shing!, fring!, whshhh, whww".
[he swings the sword, and it makes a whooshing sound]
Tucker: See?
Donut: And you found that in a hole?
Tucker: Yeah, dude, I was just walking along, following Tex... not really paying attention, you know. I fell in some hole. And, ah, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's where I found this.
Donut: You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes them sound a little better.
Tucker: Yeah, but, you know, that's not really my style.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: [firing his rifle] Oh, that's right! Suck it, Blue.
Grif: [pops up in front of Simmons] Yeah. Sneak attack!
Simmons: Sit down, you dumbass. I can't see!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: You don't know anything about the aliens who programmed you?
Gary: Correct. Instead, they filled all my memory banks with information about The Great Destroyer and his race.
Church: You mean humans.
Gary: That is not what they call you, but correct.
Church: Why, what you they call us?
Gary: ...Shisno.
Church: That's an insult, isn't it?
Gary: Perhaps this can be best explained in the form of a knock-knock joke. Knock, knock.
Church: Who's there?
Gary: You are.
Church: You are who?
Gary: You are a dirty, dirty shisno. Ha, ha, ha.
Church: All right, what does it mean?
Gary: What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?
Church: Um... a skunk. Wait, so shisno means skunk?
Gary: Not exactly. Does a skunk defecate?
Church: Yes...
Gary: And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?
Church: Eww, no!
Gary: Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue team has agreed to send their Medic over as a hostage]
Church: OK. We're gonna send over our Medic. Now, what do we get?
Simmons: You? You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!
Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [being possessed by Church] Huagahguhgerk!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Hey thanks kiss ***, if I want to take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you
Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned, burned dude, burned.
Simmons: Shut up, your armor's pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt
Church: Huh... I see
[Church point his gun at Caboose and then fires]
Caboose: Owwwww! My Foot!
Church: Well, It looks like Caboose has hurt himself... Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Frank DuFresne: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my *enemies*... and occasionally a strawberry Yoo Hoo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and strawberry yoohoo... I do enjoy the occasional sarsaparilla... Grenadine, straight from the can... Sex On the Beach, and a Pina Colada.
[sings]
Sarge: If you like Pina Coladas / and getting caught in the rain / If you're not into yoga / Grif just has half a brain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and...
Tex: The bomb?
Church: No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.
Tex: Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.
Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.
Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?
Caboose: By the way, he's Church.
Church: Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.
Caboose: He is the mean one.
Church: Thank you, Caboose.
Caboose: See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
Church: ...okay. I was talking to Gary and...
Caboose: Told you so!
Church: Goddammit!
Caboose: Classic Church.
Tucker: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Some slimy-toothed monster scared the crap out of Church! Ha-ha!
Tex: He didn't scare the crap out of him. He scared the *soul* out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap... stupid crap-for-soul!
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now.
Tex: Well... then let's go get this big 'thing' of yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up.
Church: Shut up, Tucker.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up.
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe... bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you've got sisters - bow-chicka - who are twins - bow-wow!
Church: Shut up...
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: [continues to do the guitar riff]
Church: Shut up. Shut up! Shut... up!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How's it going, Tucker? We get any useful information out of the prisoner yet?
Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything. Except a list of crockpot recipes. Would that be "useful'?
Church: Do we *have* a crockpot?
Tucker: No, Caboose had a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a "Mystery Box'.
Church: What was in the "Mystery Box'?
Tucker: One hundred forty jars of mayonnaise.
[sarcastically]
Church: Well, *that's* a good trade.
[not picking up on it]
Tucker: Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen!
Church: How did you... never mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose is "interrogating" Donut]
Caboose: This is fun! Okay, okay, your turn! Truth or dare?
Donut: Hmm... truth!
Caboose: Ok... tell me... all of the Red's secret plans!
Donut: Aww! You tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Ok, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is...
[Church's Ghost runs in and takes control of Donut's body]
Church: Caboose! It's me, Church! I possessed this guy so we can... hey. This pink armor is kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?
[sadly]
Caboose: Oh... nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds...
[Tucker is silent]
Church: ... The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
Tucker: Dammit! I knew there would be a catch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I love blood and violence! I've got a boner for murder!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Sarge introduces the special modifications he has made to the new robots] Check it out. Robot #2, codeword dirtbag.
Grif: [the robot beeps, then hits Grif] Ow! Hey!
Sarge: Heh heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try. Let me try. Codeword dirtbag!
Grif: Ow! OK fine. Two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag!
[the robot beeps, then hits Grif]
Grif: Ah, son of a *****.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: You think they'll show up?
Simmons: Well, my gut says no, but then again, my gut's made of an advanced polymer, and it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. Stupid gut.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [the Red and Blue teams call a truce] So now we're forced to work together? How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic! Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other!
Donut: No, ironic would be, if instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker has just overheard the Red Team leader talking to "Red Command", who is the same person as "Blue Command']
Tucker: What the hell, Vic? How do you know the Red Team? What are you helping them against the Blues? What the **** is going on here?
Blue Command: Ohh. Private Tucker. You're on here too Um... See, I um... you guys are... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.
[Command turns off their radio]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Tucker, what the **** are you babbling about?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: What are you two guys doing?
Tucker: We're gonna teach the alien to speak English.
Church: How are you going to do that?
Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.
Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.
Tucker: **** that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those are the rules, dude: Earth colony, Earth language.
Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth!
Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ***.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I didn't want to mess with the timeline.
Caboose: Time... line?
[sighs]
Caboose: Time isn't made of lines! It is made of circles. That is why clocks are round.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Chicks will do anything for money!
Tex: That's not true!
Tucker: Oh, yeah? I'll give you 10 bucks to tear off Grif's arm!
Tex: [turning quickly to look at Simmons and Grif] Which one's Grif?
[Grif gestures towards Simmons while slowly backing away]
Grif: [whispering] He's Grif.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Hey, you're back! How'd the Humpday thing go?
Simmons: Umm...
Church: Oh, it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
Grif: So you lost.
Church: Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Why don't we try to find O'Malley?
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Caboose is standing on Sarge's shoulders, looking into the Blue Team's base] What do you see?
Caboose: I see... A room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls... And some ceilings. Wait! Just one ceiling.
Sarge: What's makin' all that racket?
Blue Team: Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue Grunt: Yeah, I love reloading! I love to reload!
Red Grunt: [Melee kills the Blue Grunt] Oh! Back of the head!
Blue Grunt: Ooh! Tell my girlfriend that I love her.
Red Grunt: She's my girlfriend now, *****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Grunt: [Runs past the Blue Grunt's camping spot and gets killed] Oh, you ******* camping *****!
Blue Grunt: It's a legitimate strategy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [Donut and Caboose found a Warthog in the future] Look at what I found.
Donut: I found it!
Caboose: Look at what I took credit for finding.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Look, I found something really weird at here Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Vic: Roger that, what did you find?
Frank DuFresne: It's... it's like... uhh... it's like a thing...
Vic: It's like a thing. Okaaay, dude, thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the chief of staff...
Frank DuFresne: Sorry...
Vic: Move to DefCon 1.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a little dazed... it's a big thing... it's purple... it's a big purple thing...
Vic: Use your words, dude.
Frank DuFresne: Look, I don't know, it looks like some kind of alien artifact. Do the aliens have, like, a home base or something here?
Vic: I don't know, dude... why don't I just consult my extraterrestrial travel guide for you. Oh, look! They have a great series of alien bed-and-breakfasts there! Lucky you.
Frank DuFresne: Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Actually, the problem is with Lopez!
Grif: Don't tell me. The ambassador from Spanishland is coming, and without Lopez we don't have anyone to translate.
Simmons: There's no such thing as "Spanishland", you retard...
Grif: Yes, there is. They have those, um, waterslides... and all that salsa!
Simmons: No... they don't.
Grif: Well... I guess you would know.
Simmons: What's that supposed to mean?... FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M DUTCH-IRISH!
Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue Command: Hello Dude, come in, Doctor dude, are you there... paging Dr. Dude to the radio, stat! I need 20 CC's of what the hell's going on down there, dude.
Frank DuFresne: Ugggh, what happened?
Blue Command: Hey, you tell me, dude... one minute we're talkin' about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know you turn into Grumps McGurt... sounded like you needed a lozenge... threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude...
Frank DuFresne: Geez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping hawking -...
Blue Command: Hey, no offense taken, dude, don't got any kids anyway -...
Frank DuFresne: What?
Blue Command: Old Vic's been through the snip'n'stitch, if you know what I mean...
Frank DuFresne: I don't want to hear about that.
Blue Command: Winky-blinky, the one-eyed sergeant's firin' blanks...
Frank DuFresne: That's weird.
Blue Command: If you get me.
Frank DuFresne: Look...
Blue Command: Vaya Con Dios to the Vas Deferens!
Frank DuFresne: Yeah, enough, all right, I get you.
Blue Command: I need a vasectomy, dude.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons: Right, Sir.
Grif: I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons: Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons: I'm in, sir.
Sarge: [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge: Yowza!
Grif: [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons: Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila: [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut: [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif: That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut: What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons: That's the one!
Donut: The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif: Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut: Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut: HEY *****! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker: [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex: [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut: HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose has a crush on Sheila the tank, who is spending a lot of time with Lopez the robot]
Caboose: [yelling from the distance atop the Blue base] Sheila! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capt. Butch Flowers: Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your Commanding Officer, I'd pick you both up, give you a big bear hug and make you call me 'Daddy'.
Church: Uhh... Thank God for the Chain of Command?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Yeah, I've been thinking about our orders from command... Uh, Cappy... and, I gotta tell ya, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.
Tucker: I think we should listen to this guy, Captain. He seems to know plenty about being offensive.
Church: Can it, **** bird.
Tucker: See?
Capt. Butch Flowers: Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer, I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug, and make you call me Daddy.
[laughs]
Church: Um... thank God for the chain of command?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Look, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.
Capt. Butch Flowers: Hmm... that doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capt. Butch Flowers: I think I'm commanding the finest army in all of Blood Gulch.
Tucker: Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?
Church: Yeah, you know... the enemy?
Capt. Butch Flowers: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentleman. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. And yes, uh, also, those red guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capt. Butch Flowers: Now, I know you're worried about our mission, but I can tell you this - there's nothing more important to me than the safety and well-being of my men. Or my name isn't Captain... Butch... Flowers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Sarge is back into the real world and finds Simmons and Grif]
Sarge: What... what happened here?
Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.
Grif: I always believed in you, Simmons.
Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.
Sarge: Grif?
Simmons: Yes, sir.
Sarge: Grif, why in hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
Grif: [sighs] You're welcome, sir.
Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages? Use your fingers, not your knuckles. That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. Oh, yeah, shee-atsu.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: [noticing Grif and Simmons just returning to the Red base after evading Sheila's rampage] What happened?
Grif: [heavily panting and breathing as if he had run a marathon] Big... tank... shooting! WHOOOOHHHH!
Simmons: Damn, man! We only ran, like, three hundred feet! You are REALLY out of shape!
Grif: [still panting heavily] ****... you...
Donut: Where's your car?
Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.
Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[both teams have been arguing over the nature of irony for 2 hours]
Church: Okay. We all agree that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everyone happy with that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is complaining about having to handle a switch on Church's robotic body, which is located near the crotch area]
Tucker: I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
Church: You *obviously* did not know Tex that well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.
Frank DuFresne: Oh... right. Sorry.
[Accidentally accelerates, Smashes Sarge]
Sarge: Oww! Hot buttered lugnuts!
Frank DuFresne: Oooh, jeez, I'm really sorry. I just was in the wrong gear. Lemme just...
[smashes Sarge again]
Sarge: Doh! Jeez, there goes my last kidney! I was savin' that one for a special occasion!
Frank DuFresne: Third time's a charm?
Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter! Outta the jeep, now!
Frank DuFresne: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!
Grif: [Sarcastically] Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a 6000 pound steel death machine! Now that we know you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue!
Frank DuFresne: [pause] ... Really?
Simmons, Grif: Get Out!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgun... ****!
Donut: Shotgun lap!
Simmons: ****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Someone hired a freelancer to take you out. Do you have any idea why?
Tucker: I can't say.
Tex: Keeping secrets? I find that attractive...
Tucker: You do?
Tex: In attractive people, yeah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Everybody in the division was paired with an AI, and codenamed for a state.
Donut: What was your codename, Tex?
Tex: Nevada.
Tucker: One for each state? So there's fifty of you...
Tex: Forty-nine. Remember?
Tucker: Ohh, yeah... that's right. Man, poor Florida. *sigh*.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: You know, I miss the old days, when you guys were just a bunch of nameless ******** I'd yell at with Church.
Grif: It's ok, man.
[*voice breaking*]
Grif: We hate you too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Grif, Simmons, and Tucker have been transported into a post-apocalyptic future]
Grif: They destroyed it all, Simmons. Those damn stupid bastards! They blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! Those damn dirty apes!
Simmons: Calm down, Grif. We don't know if the whole world is like this.
Grif: Yes, it is. They destroyed it all. I guess a society of men just wasn't meant to survive.
Simmons: Hey, how about this - how about we explore more than two square miles before jumping to any conclusions?
Grif: It was definitely nuclear weapons. That's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages, which caused the fail-safes to fail, which released the super bacteria from a secret lab!
Simmons: Oh, come on.
Grif: That caused a huge plague, and after the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the earth and feast on human flesh.
Simmons: What?
Grif: A handful of gritty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay using only their wits and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good, and that's when the meteor hit.
Simmons: I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hollywood doesn't understand the apocalypse. They think that if just one thing from everyday life goes away, that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior, it was gas, and in Waterworld, it was land.
Simmons: What went away in The Matrix?
Tucker: Sunlight.
Grif: I thought the missing element was "plot".
Tucker: I'm talking about Matrix 1.
Simmons: Oh, right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: [annoyed] No. I NEVER wonder why we're here. Semper fi, *****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank is possessed by an evil AI which can't control Frank entirely]
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: Man, that guy is wicked fast!
[Frank's voice]
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
[O'Malley's evil voice]
Frank DuFresne: YOU SUCK!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: [has just been blown up, and is dying] I'm scared, Dave, will I dream?
[singing]
Sheila: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...
Caboose: Sheila! NOOOO!
Tucker: Oh, God! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?
Caboose: Sheila was the lady in the tank. She was my friend.
Tucker: Dude, I knew you could pick up chicks in that tank!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank being controlled by an evil AI]
Frank DuFresne: And now, I make my escape, with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen! In which case, if I see you, before you see me... look out!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: Your soul is the cavern of lies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Tucker! Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: Church... the purple guy... he's...
Church: Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley, he must have gotten the medic somehow...
Tucker: No... he's an *******...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [waiting for Lopez to fix the tank] Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Fix the tank! So that I say hello to Sheila!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: And start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds, right?
Caboose: Of course!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: For starters!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die.
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to RETREAT. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah... let's all take dying as an open-action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. YEAARRRRHH!
[charges]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: Hey guys. We might have a problem here. Somebody - and I'm not gonna say who - might have thought that one of the cyborg parts we needed for Simmons' surgery was a cupholder. And somebody - not naming any names here - might have left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.
Grif: Was it you?
Donut: Yeah. Uh, no!
[clears throat, deepens voice]
Donut: I mean, no.
[pause]
Donut: Dammit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church: Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing ***********!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons: Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif: [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut: I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge: [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut: He's so scary.
Caboose: Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church: Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church: First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church: Shove it, ****-sniffer!
Church: And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose: I beg your pardon?
Church: First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church: he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge: Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church: And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge: Arr.
Lady Donut: Do you have any tampons?
Church: Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex: Calm down, Church!
Grif: Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church: Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is driving the tank and can't get it to slow down]
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the **** do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so cunfused!
Sheila: The controller, retard!
Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
Tucker: Oh come on, now you're just being mean.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
[pause]
Sheila: Retard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Hey, Simmons. What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir
Sarge: Hey, Grif. Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Lopez is singing - badly] What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio NOW? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: And Sheila will love me again. And this time, for who I am. And not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me!
Church: [from the other side of the Blue's base] Oh, don't even START, Caboose!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a Red Grunt in what appears to be a Halo Deathmatch in Battle Creek has just "won"]
Red Grunt: Good game! Good game everybody! G-G, man, G-G! Ugh!
[Red Grunt "dies", implying he has quit the game]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flap directions to us in battle? We are lost! And the world as we knew it is gone from our eyes! Only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the end of times!
[shouts]
Red Zealot: Repent! Repent!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: [after an angered Caboose makes his overly dramatic entrance into the battlefield] It's the Beast! The Anti-Flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So just remember, the Internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared.
Grif: How do you recommend they prepare?
Church: I don't know. Try going to your local middle school chess club. Hand out crystal meth and drugs. That might be good practice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Thanks for watching, everybody! Now let's all go home and **********!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Sarge and Caboose's last attempt to get the Battle Creek Red and Blue grunts to listen to them has failed]
Caboose: Wait. I can make them listen. I... can... *beat* them.
Sarge: Son, what are you talkin' about?
Caboose: O'Malley taught me how to be mean.
[struggles to concentrate]
Caboose: I... just... have... to... concentrate... on, bad... things! Like *milk*... no wait, red... *Red Bull*!
Sarge: Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!
Caboose: No, I can feel him. I just need to... get angry, and *say mean things*, like... uh... *Your brain is a mountain of hatred!*
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.
Caboose: [now speaking in a very stilted, halting cadence, straining even more] Now, I am... thinking... about... kittens! Guh, *kit-tens*... covered... in... spikes. That makes... me... *angry!*
[begins to convulse and yell]
Caboose: [Caboose completely loses all self-control and then jumps off the cliff. An overly dramatic upshot of Caboose jumping down from the cliff, in slow motion. Caboose is yelling in a slowed-down, guttural yell, then lands on his feet, shaking the ground. The Reds and Blue grunts stop fighting and stare incredulously at Caboose]
Caboose: [in a deep gruff evil voice] My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I... hate... *babies*!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was half across the base when he started screaming bloody murder.
Pvt. Mickey: Bloody murder!
[shouts]
Pvt. Mickey: Bloody murder!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: [in the midst of a huge battle] Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Everyone, *stop fighting*!
[the fighting stops]
Red Zealot: Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
Red Grunt: [reverently] It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
Red Zealot: I have seen the top of the mountain, and you will all worship me, as though I were a *god*!
[several Blue grunts run up and mob him]
Red Zealot: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dared to dream!
[dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: Come on, Mr. Blue guy! You gotta wake up! Wake up!
Tucker: It hurts, just let me die.
Donut: You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls want to talk about is chick stuff! And not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Get Doc. I need Doc.
Donut: I can't! He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped! He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?
Tucker: I know. I want him to shoot me again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got seperated in the teleporter.
[Into COM]
Simmons: Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently, your plan to chase Lopez and Doc failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the universe.
[pause]
Simmons: Or it's... the janitors closet, hell, I don't ******' know. Sarge, are you there? Sarge!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: My toes... are getting pruney.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roomates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!
Sarge: What? Holy Macaroon.
[Checks out the dead person]
Sarge: He's not sleeping, son, he's dead.
Caboose: Oh good. At first, I thought that was me because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Look! More sleeping people! It must be naptime! But who has naptime now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Get over here! Give me a boost!
Caboose: Okay...
[walks up close to Sarge]
Caboose: You... are a good person. And people say... nice things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
Sarge: I know. I need you to help me look through it.
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is *round*, that window is *square*.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: What do you see?
Caboose: I see, a room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait, only one ceiling.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors... preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue. I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
Caboose: Am I allowed to answer?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I just... need to... get angry... and say... mean things... like... uh, your... brain... is... a... mountain... of... hatred.
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif, but here it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Simmons has just barely fixed the teleporter in time]
Sarge: Simmons, you get an F in efficiency, but I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[fueled by anger, after single-handedly defeating every Battle Creek Red and Blue grunt]
[shouts]
Caboose: I will eat your unhappiness!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [is looking for the mark to set the bomb on and comes across the X, which he views at an awkward angle] That, is a plus sign... not an X.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Zealot: [lies dying, after Tucker guts him with the Plasma Sword] My quest is over. I can see the flag. It's so... flappy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [after the angered Caboose's rampage on the Battle Creek Reds and Blue grunts, with Sarge and Caboose ready to hop through a teleporter] Your toast has been burned, and *no* amount of scraping will remove the black parts!
Sarge: Oh, shut up, Caboose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [Trying to calm Andy down, to stop him from exploding] Come on Andy, think of a happy place. What makes you feel happy?
Andy The Bomb: ...being in the middle of big explosion!
Church: Less happy place, less happy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: [the Reds and Blues have just rendezvoused with Tex at Zansibar] What took you guys so long to get here?
Simmons: There's six of us, and this is only a three-seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
Donut: [enthusiastically] It was a great road trip! My favorite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally...
Grif: [disgusted sigh] Ugh, *please*, let's not tell this story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
Sarge: What'd you find, Tex?
Tex: Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days, now. And he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
Caboose: [excited] Oh, I liked them. They were funny.
Tucker: Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a *flag*.
Caboose: I try not to remember the bad things about people.
Tucker: That's *all* they tried to do! There *were* no good things!
Caboose: That's okay. I have a really bad memory - wow, look, a beach!
Sarge: Shut up, Caboose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [asking about a favor in return for Tex's help] But... it could be anything?
Tex: That's right.
Grif: [pause] Like gay stuff?
Tex: Oh, I have no idea!
Grif: But can we rule out the gay stuff?
Donut: Hey! How come I never get to help?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: [Donut shoots at the Blues]
Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [about mystery distress call] Simmons, have you tracked the source?
Simmons: Well, sir, all I can tell is the direction. I have *no* idea how far it is.
Sarge: Why not? I thought you were our unofficial science officer.
Simmons: That just means I'm smart. You want me to multiply two big numbers in my head... that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with *no equipment*.
Grif: What's 32 times 56?
Simmons: 31,452.
Sarge: Is that right?
Simmons: Yes.
Sarge: That's pretty impressive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring, I like to think I walk that line everyday of my life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you know what weapons we'll be using?
Sarge: Weapons. They're gonna be great!
Church: Okay awesome, what are they?
Sarge: That information is only given to people with the proper clearance.
Church: What's the proper clearance?
Sarge: Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-know basis.
Church: Do I need to know?
Sarge: That's top secret!
Church: This sucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today...
Grif: Yeah not really. I'm just happy not to be washing the Warthog... for once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: What's the big scoop?
Sarge: That the campaign is going to be great, and, you're really, going, to, enjoy it. That, is all. Thank you for your time.
Church: Wait a second, that's it? That's the big announcement? That we're going to enjoy the new campaign?
Sarge: No, that you're really going to enjoy it. Oh, and the part about it being great.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: So all we know is that there's gonna be some kind of an upcoming campaign...
Sarge: Possibly.
Grif: And that the Spartans will be involved in it...
Sarge: Those are your words.
Grif: But that we can't know anything...
Sarge: I can't say.
Grif: Including who we're fighting...
Sarge: I have no comment for the subject.
Grif: Or if we're even fighting in it...
Sarge: Sarge: I plead the fifth.
Grif: Or when it even starts...
Sarge: I refer you to my previous statement.
Grif: But that it's going to be great.
Sarge: I feel comfortable confirming that. Wait- Yes.
Grif: ...well I'm totally stoked!
Simmons: Kickass!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I have a plan, Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen; whisper, whisper, whisper. Do you think that will work?
Sarge: That's your plan? All you said was, "Whisper, whisper, whisper."
Caboose: I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wyoming: Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?
Phil: Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.
Wyoming: Splendid, that's the attitude, old chap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Hurry up, Simmons.
Simmons: Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.
Sarge: We don't have a few more seconds!
Simmons: Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.
Church: Well, are you at least getting any useful information?
Tucker: Nah, it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or... say them ten seconds earlier!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.
Tex: I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.
Grif: A countdown timer?
Tex: No, a count up timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer, you idiot!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: What if we just beat on these window shutters together, we can get 'em open.
Sarge: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!
Tucker: But I can see daylight!
Sarge: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Just tell us! What did you see?
Church: Umm, it was a really big... Thing...
Tex: That's your story? You saw a big thing?
Tucker: Ahh, my story had a big thing too. You just didn't give it time to develop.
Church: Well, I didn't really get a good look at it.
Caboose: At Tucker's big thing?
Church: No, you dumbass! At the big thing in the base that attacked me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue Elite: Wort...
Andy The Bomb: He doesn't wear any pants.
Tucker: Yeah, we noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might need to change.
Andy The Bomb: Why? We're used to being naked! Free-ballin'! Come on... Commando!
Tucker: Let me just put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword
Tex: Huh... Wha... Oh excu... erm... Yeah, I-I was just admiring his-his alien... muscle structure...
Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...
Tex: Well that's just a matter of *****- I mean, uh... opinion! That's... that's it...
Church: Smooth...
Caboose: You told me it was another arm...
Blue Elite: GRRRRRR!
Andy The Bomb: Hey Caboose... High Five!
Caboose: I don't want to do that any more...

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Donut: Defenses are established, Sarge!
[*Sheila the tank, under Simmons' command, destroys part of the red base*]
Donut: Cancel that, Sarge - defenses are destroyed.

Mike Jones

iTrader: (1)

You posted all of that?!

Anyways I love them!!

69z-28

LONGEST POST EVER. yea is there anyone else who's lost like me?

Mike Jones

iTrader: (1)

http://rvb.roosterteeth.com/archive/

Some are really funny some are just boring.

ryann

haha i was just about to type that. then i saw yrs. lol

paarman97maro

x23456

NoRiceInside

Next Episode,
Someone
(Shows Grif)
Will
(Shows Grif)
Die
(Shows Grif)
Sarge: I sure hope it's Grif.

paarman97maro

i bet nobody read more than the frist 3 of RFFs post lol