Congratulations, you have just clicked on the most bad *** listing ever to grace the Western MD Craigslist page.

Up for sale today is a 1994 Taurus SHO. Unlike most Ford products, this car

1. Runs.
2. Moves forward.
3. Stops when you hit the middle of the pedals on the drivers side floorboard.

I'm guessing its because the engine was made by Yamaha, although the extensive maintenance and lack of a 17 y/o owner might have played a part in this feat as well.

Turning can be tricky (if you are a female on a cell phone) - otherwise it does turn as well as any other 3400 pound sedan.

Now at this point you might be asking yourself "why do I want a 14y/o Taurus." The answer to this is because its awesome. There is simply no better explanation. This car eats rocks and ***** lightning bolts. You do not want to drive this car if you are elderly, have a heart condition, are pregnant, or are allergic to testosterone. After some research I learned that the car's previous owners include Peter North, Chuck Norris and Dracula (not the gay dude in the 1946 version either.) The ladies love this car and the cops cant touch it - it's like Marlon Brando (except it only costs $1600.)

Now I want to stress a few things that people seem to have missed in my more serious articles

a. Its a 5-speed. Standard transmission. A manual. It has a clutch. It is not an automatic. So don't ask a stupid question like "is it an automatic?" because its not.

b. I am not interested in trading you for a 1981 Ford Escort that was last run in 1987 and has been sitting on your farm for the past 21 years. I am not going to give you the car for $312 and 54 cents. I am willing to consider trades if it is not an incredible POS though.

c. The car is not currently MD state inspected. It was 6 months ago when I bought it though. If you want to buy a car that has been inspected, has functional AC, full leather, navigation, a 2000w stereo and a 7-speed automatic, go to a dealership with about 100k dollars. If you want a car that will get you to work and not catch on fire then shoot me an email.

d. I am not going to accept checks from Nigeria or boxes of pizza as payment options. I am not going to give you a payment plan on a $1600 car. American dollars are acceptable though. If you are a hot female maybe we can work something else out.

e. Yes, the car does run and drive just fine. It has well over 2g of new parts (brakes, tires, suspension, stereo). It is NOT a new car - it doesn't look like a new car, it has 148k miles, get over it. If you are looking for a new car go buy a new car. 1994 was a long time ago. If you want a sweet 220hp sedan that will blow the doors off your classmates civic then this is the car for you.

IF you have somehow managed to make it this far in this listing - congratulations, go smoke a cigarette and then steal the $1600 your wife has been saving for new lamps and curtains (because if you are stupid enough to think you are getting away with just new lamps and curtains you are wrong. All of a sudden the dishwasher needs replacement, then the roof, then your dog - it just never ends) and head on down to Adam's SHO emporium - the home of the $1600 SHO.

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EDIT: It seems a few people have seen this ad floating around, so I would like to take the time to clear up a few things not expressed in the ad's original form and answer a few questions.

1. As I stated in the original ad, the car IS NOT MD INSPECTED. It is NOT ILLEGAL for me to sell it in this manor because I am a private seller, not a dealership. No, I'm not going to put a $1600 car through MD inspection on my dime after you have tried to offer me $900 for it.

2. If you call me to set up an appointment to see the car, please do one of these 3 things:
a. Show up.
b. Call me to tell me you are not coming if you are not coming.
c.Castrate yourself with a cheese grater and do Darwin a favor. I do have other things to do occasionally.

Now to the Q&A:

Q: You say the car "handles as well as any other 3400lb sedan"... ever heard of a BMW M5?
A: This car would rape a BMW M5, make it conceive it's illegitimate bastard child (ever seen an Infinity Q45?) and then dump its mother's lifeless carcass in a gutter. Afterwards, it would smoke a cigarette and laugh about it later to all it's SHO friends.

Q: Consider a trade for my grandmothers four door maverick and a faux members only jacket?
A: Does the jacket come with your grandmother? Maybe we can make some sort of trade + cash + lube.

Q: Does the car have a stick or automatic? :-)
A: Actually I made a mistake in the original article - the car has a 21-speed dual detailer Shimanno gear-set grafted off a 22" Huffy mountain bike I had lying around. Take that Mercedes!